Cameron Says Coalition Will Carry On Working Just Fine

The prime minister is very keen to support Mr Clegg

Safely shielded behind the ragged, bullet-riddled corpse of Nick Clegg, a jubilant prime minister David Cameron told reporters today that, although yesterday’s voting had proved to be catastrophic for the Liberal Democrats, nevertheless he was absolutely certain that their coalition partnership with the Tories would last the full parliamentary term and possibly beyond.

“It’s not surprising that Nick’s feeling a little vulnerable right now,” conceded a smiling Mr Cameron, as blood spurted vigorously from the deputy PM’s lolling head, “But I’m sure that, once the dust settles, we can either stitch him up again or come to some arrangement with his successor.”

Analysts predict that, even in a worst-case scenario where any remaining LibDem MPs have learned to give Mr Cameron a wide berth, he will probably be able to tempt Ed Miliband into forming a new coalition by promising faithfully to put Labour first.