Just Rest Your Chin On This Post, Lib Dems Tell Clegg

Nurses have nearly mastered the bodyline technique

Senior party figures have just led Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg out onto the stage at their conference in Sheffield, and reassured him that the pole with a cup on top of it is has been thoughtfully provided as a chin rest in order to prevent neck strain.

“There is a tendency for public speakers to move their heads around a lot, as they try to make fleeting eye contact with all sections of the audience,” explained former cabinet minister Dame Shirley Williams. “We wouldn’t want you to do yourself an injury now, would we? Don’t you worry - that’s our job.”

Mr Clegg had previously allowed his hands to be tied firmly behind his back, to minimise the danger of dislocating a shoulder whilst making emphatic hand gestures during his speech.

Earlier, as rank-and-file party members queued outside, they had each been thoughtfully provided with several large cabbages to mark the party’s ongoing commitment to green issues.

“Mr Clegg was also pleased to hear that the LibDems’ NHS Cricket XI have been fastidiously practicing their bowling for weeks,” backbench MP Andrew George told reporters. “In fact, he assured me that he sincerely hopes they will be able to give him a demonstration of their speed and accuracy at the earliest opportunity.”