Doctors Fear Nick Clegg May Be Clinically Wet

Spot the drip

Medical experts say there is a growing body of evidence to suggest that deputy prime minister Nick Clegg has finally succumbed to terminal wetness, as he continues to sit damply at David Cameron’s side, making absolutely no comment whatsoever about the prime minister’s rapidly-increasing vulnerability over his links to News Corporation.

“The first sign that Mr Clegg may in fact be clinically wet came when we heard his testicles drop to the floor under his seat with a squelch, just after the closure of the News Of The World,” explained a doctor (Vince Cable). “We were expecting at least some comment from him on this momentous event, but he just sat there gaping like an idiot.”

“Since then he’s said nothing concerning the revelations about News International’s dodgy relationship with the police - not even when Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson resigned,” he added. “Not a peep when the PM’s close friend Rebekah Brooks was arrested, not a whisper about the lame excuses for inviting Andy Coulson to Chequers after his resignation, and not a dicky bird about Cameron jumping obediently every time News International execs clicked their fingers.”

“In fact… hang on a sec… somebody’s drawn a pair of pupils on his eyelids!” he exclaimed suddenly. “And isn’t that a fly crawling out of his mouth?”

As a damp, foetid pool rapidly oozed out from beneath Mr Clegg towards the rest of his MPs forensic scientists warned that, unless their soggy leader squirted out of his fatal coalition with the toxic prime minister, the entire Lib Dem party could soon find itself dead in the water.