Oxbridge To Set Up Scumbag College

One truckload of  economy-class proles has already been delivered

Responding to criticism from deputy prime minister Nick Clegg, who warned them that they would be prevented from charging the maximum £9,000 tuition fees unless they “dramatically” improved access for poor people, the universities of Oxford and Cambridge have promised to set up a new, jointly-funded college exclusively for lower-class mongrels.

The new Scumbag College will be sited exactly halfway between the two university towns, on an industrial estate immediately to the north of London Luton Airport.

A broad spectrum of disciplines will be offered to Scumbag’s ghastly undergraduates, according to dons. The hi-tech Science Car Park will offer Idiotics, Applied Violence, Xbox Studies and Psychoology; the Arts and Humanities warehouse will cover traditional courses such as Freeview Studies, Bad Language, Graffiti History and Play-Doh Sculpture; and the Scumbag Business Shed will teach Politics and Banking.

“A tear-off qualification from Scumbag will have exactly the same value as a real degree from any of the more respectable Oxford and Cambridge colleges,” promised Mr Clegg. “In the language of its intended customer base, that’s 27 big ones squire - only upfront, if you don’t mind, as a smack in the mouth often offends.”