Absurdly Meaningless Role Now Open To Members Of Absurdly Inbred Family With Tits

All over the Commonwealth (whatever that is) democracy and equal rights campaigners with tits danced joyfully in the streets today as their elected representatives suddenly took it upon themselves to decide that their citizens would, in future, pay slavish obeisance to one member of one particular family sporting a pair of charlies, should she be fortunate enough to be born before any sibling with a willy.

One day you might discover what it feels like to be under these

“This long-overdue arbitrary decision corrects centuries of penile bigotry stemming from a previous arbitrary decision,” cheered the owner of an impressive pair of baps in Malawi. “My life will never be the same, knowing that I could one day be queen if only I’d been born into Windsor family.”

The Commonwealth heads also decided, on a whim, that future heads of the Windsor household would be free to marry anybody who believes they are literally eating their imaginary friend every Sunday – although, controversially, they insisted that any king or queen must still acknowledge that, although their imaginary friend’s imaginary dad may well have made the world in seven days, the fact that he also undoubtedly created velociraptors and trilobites before changing his mind suggests that his perception of time was almost certainly not the same as than ours.

However, the Commonwealth’s great and good stopped short of guaranteeing a lifetime of unimaginable privilege for any non-white descendents of Georg Ludwig Hanover, an obscure German who was handed Britain and Ireland on a plate in 1714.

“Don’t worry,” joked prime minister David Cameron. “That’s hardly likely to ever be an issue.”

This Particular Aspect Of Monarchy Is An Anachronism, Declares Clegg

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg is to ask the rest of the Commonwealth whether the part of Britain’s thousand-year-old monarchy which gives priority to male heirs is merely atavistic baggage from a primitive bygone age which has no place in our modern democratic society, he revealed today.

If only she was a bit older

“In this day and age, it’s frankly ludicrous that a member of our hereditary dynasty of imported Protestant inbreds could reign - not just over Britain, but also the international community of its former colonies - simply because they have a cock and their older sister doesn’t,” pointed out Mr Clegg. “Why on Earth shouldn’t a woman have an equal chance of becoming the acknowledged leader of 30% of the world’s population, as long as she’s the first child of whoever happens to be king or queen at the time?”

“And, of course, it goes without saying that she’d have to give a pretty wide berth to all that Papist mumbo-jumbo about beads and whatnot,” he added.

Mr Clegg says that PM David Cameron is “sympathetic” to his argument, although Mr Cameron was seen in the background pointing to his own genitals with a smirk, then shaking his head and frowning as he pointed at Mr Clegg.

Liberal Democrat backbenchers were quick to agree, saying Mr Clegg had conclusively demonstrated that, these days, it is perfectly possible for a leader to have no balls.

Brown Urges Abolition of Tax Havens Not Connected With Britain

Gordon Brown has called upon the world to outlaw tax havens, except for the ones over which Britain has any direct or indirect control.

"We must act to reshape the regulatory system for the new times. Greater international co-operation lies at the heart of all our changes," he told reporters. "And so we must bring the shadow banking system into the regulatory system. Apart, that is, from the British Overseas Territories, which are administered by the British Government through the Foreign and Commonwealth Office - specifically Anguilla, Bermuda, the British Virgin Islands, the Cayman Islands, Gibraltar, Montserrat and the Turks and Caicos Islands."

"This is a recognition that the old tax havens have no place in this new world," he went on, "Except for our very good Commonwealth friends Antigua and Barbuda, the Bahamas, Barbados, Belize, Brunei, Cyprus, Grenada, Guyana, the Maldives, Mauritius, St Lucia, St Vincent and the Grenadines, Samoa, the Seychelles and Trinidad and Tobago."

"We now call on all countries to apply international standards," he added. "With the obvious exception of our close and loyal neighbours in the British Isles, the Isle of Man and the Channel Islands."

"Honest British companies such as Tesco do rather a lot of business in these places, apparently," continued Mr Brown. "And they have made it clear to me that if my government should be so rash as to do anything which might interfere with their highly-innovative accounting systems then, regrettably, they would have no option but to move their head offices abroad - which, they assure me, would result in a considerable loss of tax income to the Exchequer."

"So basically, I'm just talking about unspeakably foreign places where French and German are spoken, i.e. Luxembourg, Lichtenstein and Switzerland, the greedy, thieving bastards," concluded the Prime Minister. "Why can't they be more like Britain and be governed by principled, moral leaders with a firm understanding of the ethics of high finance?"