‘Don’t Worry, Clegg Isn’t Running The Country,’ Says Hague

Mr Hague remains upbeat, if incomprehensible

As prime minister David Cameron and chancellor George Osborne swan off to the holiday destinations only millionaires can afford, foreign secretary William Hague moved swiftly to allay public fears of a lack of leadership during a rapidly-worsening economic crisis by reassuring the nation that deputy prime minister Nick Clegg was still curled up and sound asleep inside his teapot and would remain there no matter what happens.

The Tory wise man of the north told anxious reporters: “Ey up, fowks - ‘appen things might be a bit ketty raht now, but ‘old yer skrikin’. Reckon t’ PM an’ t’ chancellor o’ t’ exchequer mun be agate raht soon enoof f’r upskittlin’ t’ economy wi’owt recklin’ t’ barn. Let ‘im ligg, now.”

Linguistic experts from the south explained to the rest of the country that the rough gist of what the foreign secretary had said was that, although the present situation may be causing alarm to some, that there was no need to worry as he had every confidence in the ability of Mr Cameron and Mr Osborne to restore calm to the markets upon their return and there was therefore no need to call upon Mr Clegg for leadership.

“It’s either that, or he fancies Halifax’s chances on Sunday against the Batley Bulldogs,” they concluded.