Friday, 8 April 2011

I’m Mobbed By Furtive Admirers Everywhere I Go, Whines Clegg

Between sobs, deputy prime minister Nick Clegg insisted that ordinary members of the public flocked to him everywhere he went, pushing their way through the furtive crush to whisper their embarrassed support for his fearless disregard of every moral principle of the party he leads.

Mr Clegg's heart will go on reminding him of the Titanic
In a tearful interview with Jemima Puddleduck, guest editor of the No Statesman, the LibDem leader also revealed that, tragically, he has only ever played tennis with David Cameron once, despite all the hints he has dropped by turning up at cabinet meetings with a Dunlop sports bag and wearing a sweatband.

“I’m a human being,” sniffed Mr Clegg, as the emotional grunts of Celine Dion played in the background. “I’m not a punchbag, Dave, I’ve got feelings.”

Finally breaking down completely, Mr Clegg ran upstairs and locked himself in the bathroom, wailing, “Imagine how I feel when my children come up to me and innocently ask me: ‘Why are you such a gutless opportunist, papa?’”

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