Friday, 4 March 2011

Clegg: Barnsley Wipeout Shows Lib Dems Remain Committed To Putting Others First

Mr Clegg is now even more eager for May's council elections
A remarkably cheerful Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg told reporters today that his party’s total wipeout at the hands of the Barnsley electorate was a sure sign that the people of Britain were at last beginning to feel the full benefit of his party’s compassionate influence on government policy.

“The message couldn’t be clearer,” insisted the sweating deputy prime minister. “The people of Barnsley Central are so confident that the current number of Liberal MPs is equal to the task of persuading the Conservatives to be nice to everybody that they feel that an extra one would simply have nothing to do all day.”

Asked why even his own party’s candidate had not voted Lib Dem, Mr Clegg clutched his own head for inspiration, biting his lip for several minutes before claiming that this amply demonstrated the selfless humility so typical of his party’s rank-and-file.

“What’s more,” he added desperately, “With only half as many votes as all the other candidates put together, Labour must be filling their pants knowing that it will take a decade at least before anybody forgets how awful things were under Brown and Blair.”

Meanwhile, displaying the same facility with numbers that it applies to immigration, second-placed UKIP told reporters that polling a fifth of the number of votes given to Labour’s candidate proved that, in fact, it was the real winner of the election and would shortly begin gathering a mighty invasion fleet at Barnsley’s Complete Koi and Aquatic Centre to liberate Continental Europe from the goose-stepping jackboot of Hitler.

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