Parts of Britain are now so unspeakably blighted that they now look like something from the film Escape From New York, or possibly Return of the Living Dead, according to a leading Tory front-bencher.
Shadow home secretary Chris Grayling said that the UK now suffers from the same culture of gangs and undead hordes as the US, with the police fighting an "urban war" as violence and zombie cannibalism becomes "the norm and not the exception".
"The government is responsible for a decade of failure that affects the poorest in society," he said. "It is the poor who are the ones who have borne the brunt of the surge in violence and rampaging corpses under this government. It is they who struggle to live their lives against a constant fear of crime and having their brains eaten."
Mr Grayling pledged that a Conservative government would release a cynical war veteran with a grudge against society from prison to lead them out of their ghettoes, only to die within sight of safety on the mined roads leading to suburban safety.
"Failing that, we will rain enormous nuclear shells down upon the inner cities of Britain, sparing the poor from the pain of being dead," he promised.
"I get all my best ideas while watching films on the telly," said Mr Grayling brightly. "Just wait until I unveil my plans for the future of law enforcement."
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