Poor Happier To Pay For Bankers’ Mistakes After Osborne Explains New Definition of Fairness

George Osborne meeting a man who has lost what little he had

Britain’s poor breathed a collective sigh of relief this morning, after chancellor George Osborne reassured them that taking all their money and throwing it into the gaping hole left by bankers who are unashamedly coining it in was not it the least bit unfair.

“It's not a question of the cost of the reform. It's a question of the reform leading to a fundamentally fairer society," explained Mr Osborne, referring both to colleague Iain Duncan Smith’s plans to slash welfare spending on the unemployed, the elderly, the sick and the disabled, and his own targets to slash essential public services. “These useless mouths are, of course, fair game as they’re not contributing anything to Britain’s recovery.”

“And what could be fairer than removing the link between regulated rail fares and the rate of inflation?” he added. “If you don’t like it, all you have to do is stay at home and it won’t affect you in the slightest.”

“Finally, after Britain’s hardworking bankers have pulled out all the stops to make enormous profits again, I say ‘fair play’ to them and let them keep all their huge bonuses,” he added.