Liking some kinds of music more than others might possibly be something to do with who you are, according to the latest blue-skies thinking by the greatest minds in Britain.
"The dean gave us a virtuoso performance of Bach's cello pieces the other evening," explained Dr Jason Strangelove of Cambridge University's social and developmental psychology department. "And while we naturally complimented him on his mastery of some of the more technically-demanding sections, comparison with a computer rendition of the MIDI file showed that he was still not quite note-perfect. However, on the way back across the quadrangle, we heard a discordant cacophony emerging from the room of a token undergraduate from a state school. Further inquiries at the porter's lodge, after the ruffian was sent down, elicited the information that the din fell into a hitherto-unsuspected category of music called 'technology' or some such nomenclature."
"It transpires that there exists a veritable cornucopia of sub-musical genres available to the common herd," he droned on. "By luring some benighted locals into our laboratories with a trail of crisps, we were able to ascertain that, in fact, many of them exhibit certain preferences which appear to be influenced - at least in part - by their rudimentary, half-formed personalities."
The dome-headed intellectuals dissected the tastes, lifestyles, opinions and bodies of the experimental subjects, eventually reaching the following conclusions about music and personality:
AMBIENT: permanent vegetative state
CHAMBER MUSIC: used as a control reference by the right sort of people
DRUM & BASS: gets jobs involving pneumatic drills; enjoys work
EMO: believes all music was written about them personally and nobody else
FOLK: lazy guitar owner; quits halfway through beginner's lessons after deciding that two chords are probably enough to pull with
HEAVY METAL: stuck in puberty; only capable of emotional involvement with computers, distortion pedals and their own genitals
INDIE: romantic self-deluder; inclined to irrational belief that not all record labels are owned by Sony
INDUSTRIAL: pet-strangler; marked hatred of colour, light and life
JAZZ: incapable of operating electric shaver due to long-term brain damage from use of cannabinoids
J-POP: thinks reading involves looking at drawings of big-eyed teenagers and cute monsters
KRAUTROCK: repressed Poland-invading proclivities
NORTHERN SOUL: wasteland-inhabiting savage; untouched by civilisation
POP: music-hating conformist; relies on constant barrage of sound to prevent thought from occurring
RAP: convict-in-waiting (violent crime)
TECHNO: convict-in-waiting (Class A drugs offences)
WORLD MUSIC: wanker
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