Children Are Evil, Admits Charity

Want! It! NOW!

New research has conclusively proved that children are utterly and irredeemably evil, a leading children’s charity confirmed today.

“What parents have long suspected is true,” acknowledged a quaking Anne Longfield, chief executive of 4Children. “They have spawned an unstoppable legion of brutal monsters.”

“God help us,” she moaned in terror. “They’ll kill us all.”

Meanwhile, the rampaging child horde issued its latest ultimatum to Britain, threatening that one supermarket will be wrecked every day until they all get PS Vitas.

The Nev Filter Book Club Choice: Little Dorries, by Charles Dickens

Little Dorries, hot on the trail of the evil Mrs Stopes

This month we’ll be following the heartwarming tale of little Nadine Dorries, in Dickens’ masterful tale of shocking Victorian values, as she struggles to drag women’s rights back to the 19th century!

We’ll thrill to her epic battle to stop the wicked, profit-mongering back street abortionist Mrs Stopes from offering impartial advice and the use of her red-hot poker to fallen women!

We’ll weep for joy at her valiant efforts to drive the harlots to seek impartial threats of everlasting torment in the fires of hell instead, from celibate priests whose idea of family planning is the head of the household dutifully scattering his seed over his wife and chattel’s bosom whilst praising the Almighty for his bountiful abundance!

This month’s movie choice: 12m Angry Women

Mandelson Urges Parents Not To Let Boomerangs Come Back

Parents whose children return home after graduating should show 'tough love' and slam the door in their faces, according to none-of-my-business secretary Peter Mandelson.

"Admit it, mums and dads - after eighteen years of enforced celibacy, you've spent the last three years fucking like rabbits all over again, haven't you?" Lord Mandelson tells parents in the 'Parent Motivators' guide, published today by the Department For Business, Innovation and Skills. "Do you really want to go back to how it was before, with the little shits reclaiming their bedrooms for another decade or two? Of course you don't. Tell them there's plenty of jobs at Tesco, and show them the door."

After three or four years of learning how to drink at university, the so-called 'boomerang' children are swarming back to their parental nests, where bed, board and laundry services are freely provided - allowing them to spend their entire JSA on console games and taking part in all-night drug-fuelled orgies at the local Oceana.

"Increase their motivation by bricking up their bedrooms, toys and all, and moving them into the garden shed," advised parenting expert Mandelson. "Then you can carry on romping around the house, indulging your middle-aged role-playing sex fantasies to your heart's content."

Scratching his head, shadow skills secretary David Willetts, asked: "Excuse me, but what in the name of crikey has this got to do with sorting out the economy?"

Consumers Receive New Commandments

The Almighty God Retail - speaking through Its faithful acolyte, the Advertising Industry - today declared the Christmas Quartile officially over, but stressed that a similar Maximum Retail Opportunity would be launched in September 2010.

"Meanwhile, my overlords have instructed me to remind you all that another Maximum Retail Opportunity commenced this morning," said a senior Advertiser in his holy red-framed glasses. "Sadly, however, it has been observed that some Consumer Units have neglected their duties by selfishly remaining at home all day with their Revenue Generators, Development Prototypes and Obsolete Models. This must cease."

The Advertiser added that Development Prototypes at various stages of Launch Readiness were already being heavily targeted, via the new Mind Programmers they received yesterday.

"Attention, Development Prototypes of all sizes!" he announced. "Have you already attained Product Saturation with the pitifully small quantity of Entertainment Modules which came supplied with your Mind Programmer? Pester your Consumer Units, Revenue Generators and Obsolete Models to buy more! Spare no effort in issuing frequent reminders that some Entertainment Modules will destroy slightly less Disposable Income during the period covered by this brief Maximum Retail Opportunity!"

Consumer Units have also been alerted, via their own Mind Programmers, to the availability of strictly limited quantities of numerous Comfort Fixtures and Semi-Functional Domestic Substructures at notionally lower prices than at some unspecified point in time, along with an official notification that this Retail Singularity was profoundly unstable and could not possibly exist for much longer.

Revenue Generators in many Retail Areas of the world were reportedly groaning blasphemously at the prospect of having to double their productivity, in order to support the latest directive of the Great God Retail. Meanwhile, unpaired dual-function Generator/Consumer Units have already been hard at work all day, servicing the demands of obedient Consumer Units and their well-programmed Development Prototypes.

Calendars Command Fun-Loving Families To Celebrate Commercially-Debased Festival By Cheerfully Terrorising The Quiet Guy Down The Road

Childless adults are tonight barricading themselves inside their homes as best they can, ready to face the annual festive Halloween celebration of the brain dead.

"This is a solemn Christian festival, sanctioned and sanctified by Hallmark and countless other devoutly-minded multinational corporations and humble pound shops, in which simple God-fearing churchgoers pay reverence to the dear memory of their departed friends and relatives by dressing themselves up in plastic tat, covering themselves in fake blood and victimising vulnerable, lonely people in their own homes," said a man dressed imaginatively as a zombie.

"It's their own fault, the weird bastard perverts," he added. "If they get dogshit pushed through the letterbox, it bloody serves the miserable freaks right for turning milk sour, molesting small children and animals and not being out on the streets themselves, besieging other isolated, vulnerable recluses like all decent folk do."

Halloween - or Arse Holes' Eve as it used to be known - is a much-loved children's tradition dating back to 1978 and the release of John Carpenter's original film, in which American teenagers are hacked to death by a masked maniac in a fairly obvious metaphor for the taboo subject of sexual awakening.

"Before then, it was a case of going along to evensong and singing a few boring hymns," said Archbishop Walter Mart, as he prepared for his sacramental duties by dressing up as an undead pirate bearing absolutely no resemblance to Johnny Depp. "But today it is a fun event for all the family to teach their children to treat the elderly with no respect whatsoever - and that extortion with menaces is perfectly acceptable behaviour, as long as it is sanctioned by the popular media and printed in diaries."

Card retailers and supermarkets are hoping to build on Halloween's successful marketing exercise next year, by promoting the populist debasement of another obscure date in the church calendar, Michaelmas.

"It is a tragedy that so many days in the year condemn people to the misery by having no corporate-approved means of enjoying themselves at other people's expense associated with them," said a family fun-loving spokesman for the British Retail Consortium. "We've gone for St Michael's Day primarily because September is traditionally a bit of a lean month in the pointless, throwaway crap market sector."

"What nicer way to celebrate the feast day that marks the archangel St Michael's pious founding of a high-street food-and-knickers chain than by rampaging through residential areas dressed as fucking enormous daisies?" he added. "Preferably with bloody great scythes, or some kind of modified strimmer or flymo that can be rammed into an old git's face."

Realm Can Become Paradise On Earth In Exchange For Its Babies, Says Pied Charity Boss

Martin Narey, the chief musical executive of children's charity Barnardo's, has promised the good people of Britain that he can remove the plague of problem children which has been driving the nation to distraction.

"Just listen as I play my beguiling tune, promising a simplistic solution to a complex problem," piped up the charity boss. "Leave all your unwanted babies out on the doorstep, scum, and let them crawl after me as I stroll my merry way through the streets. I will lead them to my wonderful children's home deep within the big hill outside town, where they will all grow up in a cheerful, caring environment to become happy, well-adjusted achievers and live happily ever after."

Mr Narey made his too-good-to-be-true offer in the wake of last week's court case in Doncaster - involving two out-of-control brothers who viciously attacked two young children - amid a flurry of town criers begging for somebody to come forward to rid the kingdom of its plague of children.

"Of course, if I perform this service for you, I shall expect a substantial pay rise," cautioned Mr Narey casually, as he blew an experimental toot on his freshly-polished pipes. "All those awful children of yours living in my enchanted hill will take some looking after, and the increased staffing levels mean that I will be taking on a significantly higher level of responsibility."

After consulting carefully with leading citizens (Lord Mandelson and Alistair Brown), Prime Minister Gordon Brown gave a cautious welcome to Mr Narey's wonderfully simple proposal.

"I say we let this fine fellow carry out his task, and once our towns are free of children we'll see about his reward," he said. "Of course, due to circumstances entirely beyond my control, we are not quite the prosperous realm that we were two years ago - and it's a possibility that there might be insufficient gold coins in our treasury to pay him for his services. But Mr Narey seems like a nice chap, though; I'm sure he wouldn't mind being given, say, a cardboard MBE in lieu of payment.

"I can't imagine he would be so petty as to take revenge, for example by leading all of our much-loved pet rats off to heaven knows where, never to be seen again."

The Gang Show

Britain’s parents are to receive a booklet from the government, advising them on how to tell whether their child is in a gang, and what to do about it.

According to the Home Office, concerned parents need to be aware of the following tell-tale signs.

If you are a single-parent family, live on a council estate, use buses, are poor, read the Sun or the Mirror, or watch every episode of Coronation Street – your children are probably already hardened criminal desperadoes. Haul your monstrous spawn to the local police station, or call for an armed response unit.

If you live in the home counties, own a nice house and a couple of decent cars, read a proper newspaper, keep the children indoors all the time and are middle-class – there is nothing to worry about. To keep your children on the straight and narrow, vote Labour.