Children born out of wedlock can now be dunked in a font as their sinful parents belatedly tie the knot, thanks to a new 'buy-one-get-one-free' service launched today by the Church of England.
Sexually-repressed frumps whose idea of orgasmic ecstasy is a vase of nicely-arranged flowers and happy-clappy Jesus freaks who know the Bible is literally true because it says so in the Bible have, however, spoken out against the combined service.
"With this twisted travesty of a holy ritual, the bishops are giving a big thumbs-up for wicked fornicators to live in sin and beget one abominable bastard after another from their unclean, Satan-fuelled loins as they abandon themselves wholly to their perverse lusts," said a sniffy old maid who has devoted her life to writing letters of complaint to the BBC.
"Instead of making up a wicked lie that Jesus in some way approves of their unnatural passions and loves their tainted spawn, the church authorities would do well to revive the wiser traditions of our Godfearing elders," insisted a man with tiny eyes half an inch apart and no discernible forehead. "They would not have hesitated for a second before stripping these fornicators and whores naked and parading their vile shame through the streets for all to see, before flogging them unconscious and dumping their bloody carcasses on the dungheap outside the town gates, with the rest of the stinking ordure."
"And their horrid devil-brood should be exposed at birth and left on a hillside to die, before they grow horns and cloven hooves," he added. "Hallelujah!"
A spokesman for the Archbishop of Canterbury said, "Would you like a cup of tea?"
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