Better Start Wiping Pensioners’ Bums If You’re Planning On Getting Old Yourself, Suggests Government

Mr Parsons can't wait to introduce you to his runny bottom

The government is studying with interest a plan to blackmail people into looking after the elderly in their free time, it was announced today.

The voluntary scheme would give people the freedom to decide whether to clean shit off the senile on a regular basis for the whole of their working lives, or die of neglect once they retire.

In Japan, where the scheme has been in operation since 1991, volunteers are entitled to ‘bank’ the hours they spend caring for the elderly in the hope that a future government might in some way take care of them in return when they reach old age.

“UK life expectancy is currently 80 years,” said care services minister Paul Burstard. “For most people, that’s going to mean well over 100,000 hours of retirement. Therefore, on a pro rata basis, today’s 18-year-olds should probably plan on spending about 40 hours a week of their spare time hauling dribbling senior citizens in an out of the bath, just to be on the safe side.”

Charities have given a cautious welcome to the general principle of encouraging people to volunteer, but also pointed out that this was “the stupidest fucking nonsense” they’d heard since the repeal of the Poor Laws in 1948.