Realm Can Become Paradise On Earth In Exchange For Its Babies, Says Pied Charity Boss

Martin Narey, the chief musical executive of children's charity Barnardo's, has promised the good people of Britain that he can remove the plague of problem children which has been driving the nation to distraction.

"Just listen as I play my beguiling tune, promising a simplistic solution to a complex problem," piped up the charity boss. "Leave all your unwanted babies out on the doorstep, scum, and let them crawl after me as I stroll my merry way through the streets. I will lead them to my wonderful children's home deep within the big hill outside town, where they will all grow up in a cheerful, caring environment to become happy, well-adjusted achievers and live happily ever after."

Mr Narey made his too-good-to-be-true offer in the wake of last week's court case in Doncaster - involving two out-of-control brothers who viciously attacked two young children - amid a flurry of town criers begging for somebody to come forward to rid the kingdom of its plague of children.

"Of course, if I perform this service for you, I shall expect a substantial pay rise," cautioned Mr Narey casually, as he blew an experimental toot on his freshly-polished pipes. "All those awful children of yours living in my enchanted hill will take some looking after, and the increased staffing levels mean that I will be taking on a significantly higher level of responsibility."

After consulting carefully with leading citizens (Lord Mandelson and Alistair Brown), Prime Minister Gordon Brown gave a cautious welcome to Mr Narey's wonderfully simple proposal.

"I say we let this fine fellow carry out his task, and once our towns are free of children we'll see about his reward," he said. "Of course, due to circumstances entirely beyond my control, we are not quite the prosperous realm that we were two years ago - and it's a possibility that there might be insufficient gold coins in our treasury to pay him for his services. But Mr Narey seems like a nice chap, though; I'm sure he wouldn't mind being given, say, a cardboard MBE in lieu of payment.

"I can't imagine he would be so petty as to take revenge, for example by leading all of our much-loved pet rats off to heaven knows where, never to be seen again."