Great Value Activity Holidays On Offer As Bolshevik Revolution Grips Europe

And it's educational, too

The pound in your pocket has never promised so much action-packed fun for your summer holidays, say uncharacteristically cheerful travel agents, as impoverished peasant mobs from France To Greece angrily dust off their rusty tumbrils and rebel against their hated leaders.

“As the eurozone collapses headlong into blood-red anarchy, sterling has finally found some residual value,” gushed the manager of a Thomas Cook in Ruislip. “If you can find someone to parachute you into Greece, right now you can sleep in a five-star hotel bed that’s been hauled out into the balmy streets of Athens for a makeshift barricade for as little as 50p a night. A Michelin-recommended dinner with a bottle of exquisite raki will cost as little as a pound, and then you can fill the empty bottle with petrol and hurl it at a policeman to round off the perfect romantic socialist evening.”

Meanwhile, in revolutionary France, cheap family adventure holidays guarantee fun the whole family can enjoy together, as you and your children are encouraged to hurl abuse and unfeasibly large cabbages at the evil capitalist Sarkozy and his overthrown lackeys before entering a prize draw for the rare opportunity to actually pull the string on the famous guillotine.

“And in Germany’s picturesque Schleswig-Holstein right now,” he added breathlessly, “You too can get a grandstand view with all the excitement of daredevil Angela Merkel tearing around in ever-decreasing circles. You can be there when the wheels finally fall off her reckless plans for Eurozone domination!”

Labour: ‘We Told You The Welfare State Was An Evil Liberal Conspiracy’

Exterminate

Miliband 2, the robot who is apparently the fruition of generations of the hopes and dreams of the working class, is set to announce today that the Labour Party has always maintained that the welfare state was created by twisted Liberal traitor David Lloyd George for the sole purpose of hastening the collapse of the British Empire.

Once plugged in, Mr 2 will tell Britain what it loves to hear - namely that the jobless, the infirm and the elderly dream of nothing but stealing the food out of the very mouths of your starving kids.

“There is no war but class war,” Mr 2 is expected to drone. “That’s you, me and the Tories, united in solidarity against these thieving underclass bastards. How dare they have nothing? How bloody dare they? Let’s take it away from them.”

Disenfranchised Millions Tell Miliband: ‘No, We’re Over Here’

Mr Miliband shows his followers (if any) the Right way

Ed Miliband - who leads the Labour Party, apparently - has announced that the reason his party was voted out of power was a popular misconception that they were in some way interested in the plight of the poor, and vowed to take his party into new realms of mean-spiritedness somewhere to the right of the Conservatives in his mission to reconnect with the electorate.

“Labour must be a party that rewards contribution, not worklessness,” said a straight-faced Mr Miliband, whose predecessors ennobled party donors such as Lord Sainsbury, Lord Sugar, Lord Joffe, Lord Gavron, Lord Bernstein, Lord Bhattacharyya, Lord Edmiston and Lord Noon whilst appointing Atos to deprive the disabled of their benefits.

“I have made a careful study of the new political landscape of modern Britain by reading the Sun for a week,” he went on, “And it seems clear to me that millions of decent, hardworking families have stopped voting because no political party represents their hopes and dreams of bringing back the workhouse, press-ganging the feckless into the armed forces and reducing cripples to begging in the streets.”

Meanwhile, people walking through Highgate cemetery have reported strange whirring noises coming from the grave of Mr Miliband’s late father Ralph, the noted left-wing academic.

UK Eagerly Awaiting Return Of Citizen Dave

The people of Britain are today clamouring for prime minister David Cameron to return and begin implementing the hard-left agenda he has just urged Pakistan to adopt.

Citizen Dave will soon be returning to lead the Eton Popular Front

Wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt, the newly-converted PM told his Pakistani counterpart, Yousuf Raza Gilani: “Fuck the rich, comrade! They’re nothing but a thieving bunch of greedy parasites sucking all the wealth out of your people. Tax their asses off – make the bastards pay!”

When his host expressed surprise at Mr Cameron’s forthright advice, pointing out that he was the millionaire son of a millionaire father, socialism’s new spokesman angrily retorted that this was the sort of typically unhelpful and predictably reactionary comment he expected from a capitalist running-dog.

“I don’t accept any responsibility for being born into a privileged family, comrade - that’s an accident of birth!” he retorted angrily. “I didn’t ask to be rich, I didn’t ask to be sent to Eton, and OK, I may have chosen to go to Oxford but that’s only because I worked really, really hard and did incredibly well in my A-levels and chose to observe the overprivileged parasites in their nest and learn their weaknesses.”

“Besides, under socialism everybody will be a millionaire,” he added furiously. “It’s not about dragging everybody down to the same level, it’s about raising everybody up. So hands off my cash, you horrid little prole.”

Labour Outsider Burnham Calls For ‘Pretend Socialism’

Mr Burnham's campaign team are full of fresh ideas

Labour leadership no-hoper Andy Burnham has promised that the Labour Party will implement a return to what he calls ‘Pretend Socialism’ from its commanding position on the opposition benches, in the supremely unlikely event that the other contenders are all run over by a bus.

“If by some capricious act of God I find myself leading the Labour Party, I will somehow bring about free transport for teenagers in education, some sort of graduate tax, the details of which I haven’t really thought through yet, apprenticeships paying the minimum wage and jam tomorrow,” he promised a stray dog that paused to cock its leg against his ankle.

“Don’t worry, though,” he added hastily, as the dog resumed its wandering. “None of that will mean lowly menials calling you ‘comrade’, or any such nonsense. It’s not real socialism, God forbid. It’s only make-believe stuff that looks good in the Guardian.”

Mr Burnham hastily explained that he was only talking about aspirational socialism, meaning that he cherished, deep within his heart, a wildly-optimistic hope to be somebody important in the Labour Party one day.

Brown Stokes Middle Class Fears About Tories' Stalinist Agenda

In his first major speech of the new year, proudly middle-class prime minister Gordon Brown warned Middle England that the sinister Conservatives were planning to implement a socialist agenda, the like of which has not been seen since the fall of communism a generation ago.

Addressing the Fabian Society, which was instrumental in founding the Labour movement a million years ago, Mr Brown spelled out the depth of hard-line socialism which now permeates Conservative thinking: "They have said that if you are middle class, you should not expect that children's centres will be available to you. That if you are middle class, child tax credits should not be available to you. That if you are middle class, there will be no child trust fund available to you. And so the Tories have planned a raid on the quality of life of our middle class. They want to take away middle class guarantees. And they have no account of future middle class jobs.

"It is only Labour - the party of those who help themselves - that offers a manifesto for the middle," he concluded, to rousing cheers from his speechwriter, Lady Thatcher. "Only Labour that owns the progressive centre ground."

When asked by the unquiet soul of Fabian Society founder George Bernard Shaw what he proposed to do to ease the plight of the working classes and the unemployed, Mr Brown explained his party's core beliefs in a simple but profound message: "Fuck 'em."

Mandelson Invents Socialism

The business secretary, Lord Mandelson, is said by Labour Party insiders to be eagerly fleshing out the details of a radical new political theory he has just thought up, which he is calling 'socialism'.

The former European Commissioner for Trade tentatively announced the first of his theories today - suggesting, in a speech to the Society of Motor Manufacturers and Traders which was received in hostile silence, that an industry which relentlessly churns out thousands of new cars every day, simply to create an artificial demand for vehicles which people cannot afford and do not need, might not actually be the smartest thing that mankind has ever dreamed up.

"If that evil commie pervert isn't stopped - and fast - pretty soon he won't just be suggesting that replacing your car every two years simply because you're bored with it might not be the best use of the planet's dwindling resources. There's a very real danger that he might dare to question the whole principle of rampant consumerism," growled a Ford executive. "And from there, it's only a short step to entertaining wholesale doubts about the necessity of the artificial monetary system which underpins this unrestricted capitalist system which we all take absolutely for granted."

"Mammon help us all if that happens," he added.

"Kill him," screamed a senior BMW director. "Kill him now, before he infects anyone else with this vile disease."

Meanwhile, staff at a London graveyard report that the body of Herbert Morrison, one of the stalwarts of the Labour movement and Baron Mandelson's grandfather, is revolving more slowly than at any time in the last 12 years.

Labour Seeks To Reassure Middle England Over Founding Principles

Communities Secretary John Denham has been wheeled out by the government to reassure Middle England that, just because the Labour Party is abandoning its totalitarian ID card scheme and renationalising a large chunk of the railways, it has still forgotten its founding principles.

"I want to tell the South East not to panic - all that old lefty claptrap about narrowing the gap between rich and poor is as dead as a dodo," he told the Fabian Society. "Harriet Harperson can huff and puff all she likes about equality - but don't worry, she's only there to appeal to those elderly cloth-capped northerners who get dusted off and wheeled to the polling stations every few years because they fondly believe that nice Mr Attlee is still in the driving seat."

"Between you, me and the security gate, we're all selfish, greedy middle-class professionals nowadays," smiled Mr Denham. "The Labour Party was built on the blood, sweat and toil of the working class, who struggled to build a future in which their descendants would have a better life. Well, we're their descendents and we're having a high old time - I mean, look at how much we've been fiddling on expenses. Rest assured, Middle England, we're just like you."

Cloth-Capped Proles Propose Rum New 'Socialism' Malarkey

At its annual conference in Brighton, the TUC threw down the gauntlet to Gordon Brown’s embattled government, putting forward a strange and dangerous new political theory known as ‘socialism’ as a possible answer to Britain’s economic and social collapse.

“Them ministers ‘as to demonstrate that them’s on t’side of ordinary folks an’ all, wi’ fairness as their watchword,” said coal-smeared general secretary Brendan Barber. “That’s why us wants to see tax cuts, like.”

Not content with making this shocking demand that the poor should be less poor, Mr Barber then went on, in his clumsy manner, to make the even more outrageous suggestion that the extreme wealth of the great and the good in the world of commerce was somehow “socially divisive and morally objectionable”.

“’appen the super-rich ‘ave not created much in t’way of extra wealth. Them’s mostly taken it from t’rest of us ’uns,” he told ungrateful skiving delegates, who were all frolicking at the seaside when they should have been making money for their kindly, paternalistic employers.

With unprecedented gall, Barber then forwarded the preposterous claim that £5bn could be raised by closing tax loopholes and increasing taxes on the hard-working rich.

Seized with an insane revolutionary zeal, the inflamed masses poured out of the conference centre and besieged the Royal Pavilion - until the government sensibly called out the army to shoot them down on the steps.

Mr Barber, however, is understood to have escaped the massacre in a pram and - although the authorities have mounted a watch on all ports - it is feared that the cowardly fugitive may turn up in Paris, Geneva or some other European capital to foment his dangerous political heresies, before returning to his motherland to spearhead some kind of populist uprising against the forces of laissez-faire globalism that have governed the nation so wisely and for so long.

A smiling, top-hatted prime minister was keen to play down the stalled uprising.

“I’ve had a brief look into this socialism claptrap,” smirked Mr Brown, “And it’s all a lot of idealistic mumbo-jumbo masquerading as a political theory, so my billionaire friends tell me. It is their undoubted financial genius that has made this country what it is today, so it is certainly not my place to ignore their wise words of advice.”