Alastair Campbell: ‘Strap Me To An Apache And Point Me At Gadaffi’

Lock and load

After being identified by a senior MI6 officer as “an unguided missile”, Tony Blair’s former spokesman Alastair Cambell has called on the government to attach him to one of an Apache helicopter’s hardpoints, fly him over to Tripoli and unleash his deadly, exploding warhead on the pariah leader of Libyan government.

The unnamed witness from MI6, which prefers to call itself the Secret Intelligence Service, told the Chilcot inquiry into Britain’s reasons for invading Iraq: “We found Alastair Campbell, I think, an enthusiastic individual, but also somewhat of an unguided missile … That's not to say that we didn't engage to the extent that we could, and I think that Alastair Campbell found us a useful organisation to work with, simply because SIS was actually an organisation that was very focused on delivery.”

Mr Campbell immediately unscrewed his wig to reveal an armed fuse protruding from the top of his head, and told reporters he was willing to detonate himself in any way which might help to erase his tarnished reputation as a cynical, scheming manipulator whose lies dragged the nation into an illegal and unwinnable war of attrition against a sovereign nation.

MI6 later issued a statement from the officer, which read: “I apologise for not making the views of SIS absolutely clear to the Chilcot inquiry. What I meant to say is that Alastair Campbell is a cynical, scheming manipulator whose lies dragged the nation into an illegal and unwinnable war of attrition against a sovereign nation.”

“Having said that,” he added, “SIS has no objection to dropping him on Tripoli from 2,000ft.”