Britain is to tell Iran that it is more than welcome to keep five insufferable pricks and their toy sailing boat, but warn the Middle Eastern rogue state that in future it might want to restrict its hostage-taking activities to yachts without sails.
"We recognise that, as a pariah state, Iran is desperate to win friends," said a spokesman for the Foreign and Commonwealth Office today. "Certainly, the detention of five self-satisfied, tanned bastards - whose lives are so peachy they can afford to swan around in some so-called 'race' nobody would otherwise have ever heard of - will win Iran plenty of new friends in the lengthening dole queues of Britain, where people are having to decide between putting the heating on for an hour or boiling the kettle for a cup of tea."
"Smugly insulated from the sufferings of their compatriots as these yachtie twerps are, though, if President Ahmedinejad really wants to get the British people waving his posters in the streets, he ought to be sending his Revolutionary Guard dinghies to put a couple of torpedoes into the floating gin palaces operated by our major financial institutions," he continued. "And, frankly, if Lord Mandelson happened to be aboard at the time, the cheering would be heard all the way to Tehran."
"Or perhaps they could mount a seaborne invasion of Sark," he added. "If Iran wants to seize the Barclay brothers, I'm sure the Admiralty has charts and tide tables that would help enormously."
Showing posts with label Iran. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Iran. Show all posts
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Saturday, 1 August 2009
US 'Tourists' Arrested After 'Accidentally' 'Hiking' into Iran
Three American 'tourists' went missing on Thursday after embarking on a 'hiking trip' along the border between Iran and Iraq, according to reports emerging today. The 'holidaymakers' were apparently 'sightseeing' in the autonomous Kurdistan territory in Northern Iraq, one of the world's most popular holiday destinations.
"Four Americans arrived in the city of Sulaimaniya on Wednesday for a walking vacation," said police colonel Anwar Haj Omar. "One of them 'fell ill' straight away and stayed behind, but the other three insisted on setting off immediately to stroll 90km to the beautiful waterfalls at the much-frequented resort of Ahmed Awa, just three kilometres from the Iranian border."
"They didn't take an interpreter with them, as one of them happened to speak Arabic," he added. "Apparently it's a popular second language, widely studied in the United States."
Iran's state-owned Al-Alam television station later announced that the three 'backpackers' had been arrested after crossing the border, making the patently ridiculous claim that they were undercover military personnel.
"We told them not to venture into the mountains, because of the proximity of the border, "sighed Col Haj Omar. "I suppose they just didn't notice that they were walking uphill for hours."
"The vacationing American who fell ill has checked out," the manager of the hotel where he was staying told reporters. "After he called the US embassy to explain that his friends had phoned to tell him they were in Iran under arrest, some large American gentlemen with cropped hair arrived and took him away, saying they knew of a local pharmacy store offering an unbeatable deal on paracetamol caplets."
"The four tourists seemed like nice people," he added, "Although my staff tell me their conversation was rather limited. Tell me, what does 'check' mean? They said it quite a lot, but we just assumed they were talking about how to settle their minibar bill."
When US reporters asked the Pentagon to confirm that it would never authorise covert missions in foreign territories, a senior official replied: "Check."
"Four Americans arrived in the city of Sulaimaniya on Wednesday for a walking vacation," said police colonel Anwar Haj Omar. "One of them 'fell ill' straight away and stayed behind, but the other three insisted on setting off immediately to stroll 90km to the beautiful waterfalls at the much-frequented resort of Ahmed Awa, just three kilometres from the Iranian border."
"They didn't take an interpreter with them, as one of them happened to speak Arabic," he added. "Apparently it's a popular second language, widely studied in the United States."
Iran's state-owned Al-Alam television station later announced that the three 'backpackers' had been arrested after crossing the border, making the patently ridiculous claim that they were undercover military personnel.
"We told them not to venture into the mountains, because of the proximity of the border, "sighed Col Haj Omar. "I suppose they just didn't notice that they were walking uphill for hours."
"The vacationing American who fell ill has checked out," the manager of the hotel where he was staying told reporters. "After he called the US embassy to explain that his friends had phoned to tell him they were in Iran under arrest, some large American gentlemen with cropped hair arrived and took him away, saying they knew of a local pharmacy store offering an unbeatable deal on paracetamol caplets."
"The four tourists seemed like nice people," he added, "Although my staff tell me their conversation was rather limited. Tell me, what does 'check' mean? They said it quite a lot, but we just assumed they were talking about how to settle their minibar bill."
When US reporters asked the Pentagon to confirm that it would never authorise covert missions in foreign territories, a senior official replied: "Check."
Friday, 19 June 2009
Much-Calmed Iranians Thank Ayatollah For Kindly Telling Them What To Think
Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khameneiac, has held a mass public rally, urging disgruntled voters to respect the ballots or, failing that, to respect the bullets currently being loaded into magazines by itchy-fingered Revolutionary Guards.
In a speech addressed directly to thousands of his supporters, who had been bussed into Tehran University from hardline strongholds outside the capital, the Ayatollah said that Britain was "the most evil" of the country's enemies, accusing Gordon Brown of organising unrest in Iran. The British government later summoned the Iranian ambassador to point out that Gordon Brown was obviously incapable of organising the opening of his own flies before taking a leak, let alone fomenting mass protests in a hostile country thousands of miles away.
Ayatollah Khameneiac then told his mindslaves that Allah had revealed to him the evil machinations of American president Barack Obama, in which millions of CIA agents had been parachuted into Iran to vote for Mir Hussein Mousavi. He also accused the Pentagon of developing an anti-Islamic smart bomb that would make the burqa transparent, rendering Iranian men incapable of doing anything but drooling with perverted lust and desperately clutching their trousers.
Throughout the Supreme Dalek's speech, defeated candidate Mr Mousavi sat a few feet from his sworn rival, the victorious President Ahmedinejad, furtively scanning the hall for possible exits.
Meanwhile, an Iranian woman who asked whether she might one day be invited to vote was democratically beaten to death by her loving owner.
In a speech addressed directly to thousands of his supporters, who had been bussed into Tehran University from hardline strongholds outside the capital, the Ayatollah said that Britain was "the most evil" of the country's enemies, accusing Gordon Brown of organising unrest in Iran. The British government later summoned the Iranian ambassador to point out that Gordon Brown was obviously incapable of organising the opening of his own flies before taking a leak, let alone fomenting mass protests in a hostile country thousands of miles away.
Ayatollah Khameneiac then told his mindslaves that Allah had revealed to him the evil machinations of American president Barack Obama, in which millions of CIA agents had been parachuted into Iran to vote for Mir Hussein Mousavi. He also accused the Pentagon of developing an anti-Islamic smart bomb that would make the burqa transparent, rendering Iranian men incapable of doing anything but drooling with perverted lust and desperately clutching their trousers.
Throughout the Supreme Dalek's speech, defeated candidate Mr Mousavi sat a few feet from his sworn rival, the victorious President Ahmedinejad, furtively scanning the hall for possible exits.
Meanwhile, an Iranian woman who asked whether she might one day be invited to vote was democratically beaten to death by her loving owner.
Monday, 15 June 2009
Fair And Balanced Western Reporters Cover Growing Tide of Fury Among Tehran's Decent, Civilised Urbanites
The democracy-loving nations of the world watched with mounting glee as civil war threatened to engulf the streets of Iran, days after the rogue state's presidential election was blatantly and self-evidently rigged by the West-hating loony incumbent, Madmad Madmadinemad.
Crowds of Western journalists linked arms and marched up to law enforcement officials, demanding to be hit repeatedly with batons in front of their cameramen, as supporters of the slightly less barmy loser, Mir Hossein Mousavi, thronged the streets of Tehran claiming that the election was rigged.
"Tehran is a powder keg which could explode into telegenic scenes of mob violence," said a BBC reporter hopefully, giving the finger to a nearby policeman. "Everyone in the city who speaks English is saying that President Madmadinemad is so isolated and unpopular that even he didn't vote for himself. Come on, you stupid jumped-up wog, call yourself a copper? I took your mother up the arse and she begged for more, now crack me over the head like you mean it."
"The supporters of Mir Hossein Mousavi say he would have introduced a Western-style democracy, with full civil rights for everybody, within minutes of taking up the presidency which has been so blatantly stolen from him," announced a Channel 4 News correspondent. "He would have broken the mullahs' grip on power by forcing them to take part in a humiliating Big Brother-style reality show, replaced Iran's nuclear enrichment program with wind and wave energy schemes, joined the Eurovision network and allowed women to walk down the streets topless if they wanted to. Excuse me, officer, you have the penis of a tiny dog, would you tap me lightly on the head with your truncheon please?"
Reporters in the vast hinterlands of Iran, where the majority of the population live - and tend, as in Western nations, to be deeply conservative supporters of the status quo - were conspicuous by their absence, however.
"I'm not going out into the sticks, not on your bloody life," said an ITN journalist, wiping a small, but suitably bloody, lump on his forehead with a handkerchief. "First of all, there's a serious lack of decent hotels with adequate lavatory facilities, but mainly because that's where all those backward, Westerner-hating headcases live. Have you any idea how many of those crazy, Madmadinemad-loving bastards are out there? Bloody millions, I tell you."
Crowds of Western journalists linked arms and marched up to law enforcement officials, demanding to be hit repeatedly with batons in front of their cameramen, as supporters of the slightly less barmy loser, Mir Hossein Mousavi, thronged the streets of Tehran claiming that the election was rigged.
"Tehran is a powder keg which could explode into telegenic scenes of mob violence," said a BBC reporter hopefully, giving the finger to a nearby policeman. "Everyone in the city who speaks English is saying that President Madmadinemad is so isolated and unpopular that even he didn't vote for himself. Come on, you stupid jumped-up wog, call yourself a copper? I took your mother up the arse and she begged for more, now crack me over the head like you mean it."
"The supporters of Mir Hossein Mousavi say he would have introduced a Western-style democracy, with full civil rights for everybody, within minutes of taking up the presidency which has been so blatantly stolen from him," announced a Channel 4 News correspondent. "He would have broken the mullahs' grip on power by forcing them to take part in a humiliating Big Brother-style reality show, replaced Iran's nuclear enrichment program with wind and wave energy schemes, joined the Eurovision network and allowed women to walk down the streets topless if they wanted to. Excuse me, officer, you have the penis of a tiny dog, would you tap me lightly on the head with your truncheon please?"
Reporters in the vast hinterlands of Iran, where the majority of the population live - and tend, as in Western nations, to be deeply conservative supporters of the status quo - were conspicuous by their absence, however.
"I'm not going out into the sticks, not on your bloody life," said an ITN journalist, wiping a small, but suitably bloody, lump on his forehead with a handkerchief. "First of all, there's a serious lack of decent hotels with adequate lavatory facilities, but mainly because that's where all those backward, Westerner-hating headcases live. Have you any idea how many of those crazy, Madmadinemad-loving bastards are out there? Bloody millions, I tell you."
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