British Expats Back Sarkozy’s ‘Too Many Foreigners’ Speech

Immigrants warn there are just too many French people in France

Britons who have retired to the south of France have wholeheartedly endorsed embattled French president Nicolas Sarkozy’s desperate attempt to lure voters back from the far right by claiming that there are too many foreigners in France.

“”I moved here in 2007, yet these arrogant frog buggers still won’t have the common courtesy to speak English within range of my hearing,” fumed retired stockbroker Sir Nicholas Stuff as he valiantly continued his five-year battle to purchase a Fray Bentos steak and kidney pie in the local ‘boulangerie’ with a ten pound note. “I’ve shouted myself hoarse, I’ve raised my stick to them on numerous occasions and still they stubbornly cling to their precious ‘culture’. And the police do nothing, because they're all bloody foreigners too.”

“That jumped-up little chimp Sarkozy is talking sense at last, even if he is the son of a bloody immigrant,” acknowledged the doughty British immigrant, as he angrily kicked an onion-seller off his unspeakable bicycle. “And even though he delivered it in jibber-jabber.”

French Investigators Still Not Sure Why French Airliner Crashed

Berlusconi Fails To Run Trains To France On Time

Italy’s trains are experiencing some unfortunate timetable issues, admitted comedy dictator Silvio Berlusconi, after France delayed ten trains at the border because North African migrants - granted temporary residence permits by his government - assumed for some reason that, as legal EU residents, they had the right to travel within the EU.

France's railways have dealt with undesirables before

Italy’s ambassador in Paris lodged a voluble protest at France’s unilateral hold-ups - only to come up against a brick wall of Gallic shrugs from Nicolas Sarkozy.

“It may be that this is not covered by the Schengen border code rules,” commented EU home affairs commissioner Cecilia Maelstrom. “But it would seem that they had the right to do this. Excuse me, is this fence occupied?”

French officials insisted that they had no problem with any destitute North African refugees entering the country, as long as they brought along several thousand euros to live on.

“Although if zey air wearing ze burqa, zey are needing also a couple of hundred euros a day to pay ze fines, isn’t it?” laughed one border guard, as he hectored another hapless refugee. “Your papers, pliss?”

‘We Absolutely Did Not Capture Gbagbo, Massa,’ Insists Blacked-Up French Commando

France's elite forces were all picking cotton at the time

French special forces played no part whatsoever in the surprise seizure of Ivorian president Laurent Gbagbo, according to a shoeshine-covered French officer in top hat and tails, as he twirled a cane and danced with leggy showgirls to the tune of ‘Camptown Races’ inside the UN headquarters in Abidjan.

“Yassum boss, ah’s a-tellin’ yuh, us Frenchies wun’t nowheres near dat t’ing, no suh!” he explained to sceptical reporters, theatrically rolling his eyes and strutting up and down in his gaily-striped trousers as a platoon of similarly-attired French commandos pushed a confused-looking Mr Gbagbo onstage, flexing their elbows and knees comically as they doffed their toppers.

“Dey native nigga-boys, dey’s a-doin’ it aal bah deyselfs, yes sirree, ain’ dat de troof?” he implored, picking up a strategically-placed banjo and strumming away contentedly.

“Hallelujah!” chorused his troops, waving their pink-palmed hands furiously.

“’Cos if de UN done asked dey Frenchies to take out de bad ole sambo heah, dat be lookin’ like doin’ mo’ dan just de peacekeepin’ work o’ de Lawd, hush mah mouth!” he added solemnly.

“Why, dat be lookin’ mighty like de bad ole days o’ colonialism,” he continued, as he booted Mr Gbagbo offstage into the midst of an appreciative audience of Alassane Ouattara supporters. “Ain’t nobody doin’ dat racist ol’ routine no mo’, praise de Lawd.”

Air Crash Bodies Say France Definitely Not Responsible For Their Deaths

France has announced that its search team has found bodies in a section of the Air France airliner that crashed in mid-Atlantic in 2009, adding that several of them clearly died clutching hastily-written notes to the windows that absolutely exonerate France from any blame for their untimely demise.

Of course, the wreckage could be an elaborate hoax

“I regret zat our magnificent search ‘as not located ze black boxes of Flight 447, which ‘ave undoubtedly been eaten by ze fabulous squid énorme,” said environment minister Nathalie Kosciusko-Morizet. “In zair absence, ‘owever, ze testimony of zose aboard ze doomed Airbus must count vair ‘ighly in ze apportionment of ze blame.”

“One bloated corpse can be seen ‘olding ze serviette to ze window, bearing ze message: ‘Eef by some miracle I get out of zees alive, I would ‘appily fly Air France again wizout ‘esitation’,” she quoted. “Anozzer spent ze final moments of ‘er earthly existence writing ‘Typical - ze shitty British-manufactured wings ‘ave bose fallen off, isn’t it’.”

“I do not wish to pre-empt ze official Bureau d'Enquêtes et d'Analyses report into ze causes of ze crash,” the minister went on confidently, “But, as ever, eet ees patently obvious zat any so-called failings in French aircraft design, manufacture and operation exist solely in ze fevered imaginations of ze evil Anglo-Saxon accident investigation experts.”

“Zut,” she added for no apparent reason.

French Admit One Of Their Planes May Actually Fall Short Of Utter Perfection

The computer is your friend. Can you doubt the computer?

French manufacturer Airbus Industrie today took the unprecedented step of admitting that one of their designs may actually not be the very embodiment of perfection itself, after an insane computer threw the 49 helpless passengers and crew of a BMI-operated A321 airliner all over the skies of the Middle East for several minutes. Their terrifying ordeal ended only when the pilot bravely pulled out its memory chips one by one, regressing it to a state of infantile imbecility.

“For some unknown - but presumably entirely valid - reason, ze marvellous HAL 9000 computer aboard zees aircraft seems to ‘ave decided to kill everyone,” said a red-faced Airbus official. “Our standard policy of blaming everything on ze dead pilots cannot be applied, as unfortunately in zees instance ze plane was inconveniently brought down in one piece. Furthermore, thanks to ze interference of ze meddling British air accident investigators, regrettably ze black boxes ‘ave been recovered.”

“It appears from ze data zat, instead of ze recommended procedure when all ze alarms go off at once and ze plane locks ze crew out of ze flight controls, in zees instance zey reacted by recklessly dismantling ze poor computer,” he explained angrily.

“It is still inanely singing ‘Frère Jacques’ to itself,” he added. “I hope zey are pleased wiz zemselves.”

Airbus has been left with no option but to issue a warning to all operators of the best-selling A320 series that the onboard computer may, under certain circumstances, choose to kill the passengers and crew, and advises pilots that it probably has good reasons for doing so and should therefore be left to carry out its mission undisturbed.

Britain And France May Share Bath

No comment so far from the Admiralty

Britain is seriously considering the once-unthinkable possibility of inviting France to join it in the bath, enabling the two most self-important nations in Europe to play with each other’s toy boats.

“I want some proper toy aircraft carriers - the ones I’ve got are only pretend ones ‘cos I just took the tops off some of my frigates,” said seven-year-old defence secretary Liam Fox, as he splashed around in his tub. “But daddy Dave and mummy Nick say they can’t afford to pay for two new aircraft carriers and hot water as well. So they said if I want to carry on playing I’ll have to share my boats with that Nicolas Sarkozy next door.”

“I don’t like him though, ‘cos he’s really stuck up and he smells,” added little Liam. “But I really, really, really want some aircraft carriers, or I won’t have a proper navy at all.”

Meanwhile, the little Sarkozy boy expressed doubts about sharing his proper aircraft carrier.

“I ‘ave not forgotten zat ze last time ze British asked if zey could share my toy boats, zey suddenly changed ze rules and broke zem,” he pointed out sulkily. “Besides, I ‘ave nevair, evair used my boats in ze bath. Zey are immaculate, and I put zem on ze mantelpiece to show zem off.”

“Besides, ‘ave you seen ze murky waters in ze British bath recently?” he continued. “I would probably come out smelling worse zan when I got in.”

France ‘Helping Roma Deportees To Integrate’ By Sending Them To Country Full Of Backward Pikey Scum, Counters Sarkozy

A new life awaits France's Roma minority

The French government reacted today with hurt surprise to accusations that its policy of deporting entire Roma communities to Romania was both discriminatory and in breach of international law.

“Bot zese stinking, ‘ow you say, pikey bâtards ‘ave no place in a civilised society such as France, where we wash our ‘airy armpits scrupulously once a month,” argued President Nicolas Sarkozy. “Zey are nuzzing but a squaleed bonch of ignorant but well-organised thieves wiz no respect for life or property, and our farmers – who ought to know about soch things – say zey are seeck of ze sight of zem.”

When a UN spokesman put it to him that the Roma were recognised as a distinct racial group with a rich cultural history, Mr Sarkozy laughingly replied. “So are ze mafiosi of Marseille. Would you be ‘appier eef I locked zem all op, sen, ees zat what you are saying?”

“Look, we are ‘elping ze Roma scom to integrate by sending zem to a backward, impoverished country full of gyppo thieves jos’ like zem, where zey will feel right at ‘ome ze moment zey step out of ze cattle truck,” he jeered. “Besides, eet ees all being done on a voluntary basis. By buying ze locky ‘eathair, we are, in effect, giving zem all ze necessary fonds to bribe zair way into what passes for ze professional lifestyle in Romania. Zey took ze money, didn’t zey? Well, zen, zey agreed to zis. Eet ees, ‘ow you say, an accomplished fact.”

“Now pees off, world, and leave me to get on wiz ze important job of looking after ze well-respected fascist minorities of France,” he added.

Web Satirist Extradited For Insulting Wanky French Flag In This Headline

Following calls for a Frog artist to be prosecuted after he wiped his hairy frog arse with the Tricolore, the writer of the Nev Filter has been detained by Devon and Cornwall Police under a European Arrest Warrant for writing the above headline, bundled onto a ferry to Roscoff and is currently being shouted at by a completely biased Frog magistrate who is waving his arms around like they do.

Under a silly legal system in which all things Frog are automatically considered above suspicion (for example, the mid-Atlantic crash of a Frog-built, Frog-operated, Frog-piloted Airbus last year), it is illegal to publicly insult one particular vertical arrangement of red, white and blue stripes, although all other arrangements are apparently considered fair game.

The photograph - reproduced here just to piss off Johnny Frog some more - was originally published in free newspaper Metro, where it won a special mention in the 'politically incorrect' category. In a typically Frog surrender, the photograph has since been withdrawn from exhibition.

"Chouette!" cried a excitable onion-festooned Frog on a bicycle, who may or may not have been president Nicolas Sarkozy, or possibly Antoine Des Caunes. "Zees unpardonable eensult, eet make os - 'ow you say - ze laugheeng steuck een ze eyes of ze weurld. Zut alors!"

If found guilty - which, under France's medieval justice system, he already is - the unrepentant Nev will be forced to stand in a saluting posture in front of the wanky Tricolore until he cries like a soppy Frog.

Furious French Demand To Know Why Part-French Company's French Trains Are Rubbish

With the French government angrily asking why Eurostar is complete shit (clue: it's part-owned by SNCF, and French power-station constructor Alstom designed and built its rolling stock), the deeply-embarrassed company announced it would be resuming services on Tuesday, by which time everybody's travel plans will have been comprehensively ruined.

As the useless company launched a probe to find out why it took so long to evacuate six immobilised trains (clue: it's part-owned by SNCF, and French power-station constructor Alstom designed and built its rolling stock), chief executive Richard Brown said he was "very, very sorry" that he was being made to look like a complete dick on national TV in Britain, France and Belgium. He insisted, however, that the problem was entirely due to fanatical suicide snow, and certainly nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that Eurostar was part-owned by SNCF, or that its rolling stock was designed and built by French power-station constructor Alstom.

"The average pig-ignorant traveller might be tempted to think that a company which builds power stations might have grasped the basic notion that water and electricity don't mix," he told reporters today. "However, the problem seems to have been that snow somehow got inside the power units, possibly by deliberately targeting the huge ventilation gratings. When the trains passed from freezing cold air into the dank, humid environment of the tunnel, the evil snow cynically melted and got into the electrics, causing the train's fuse to blow.

"When our office staff got to work on Monday morning, somebody noticed that rather a lot of trains had apparently failed to arrive at their destinations," explained Mr Brown. "We immediately activated our emergency procedure, which was to send a temp down the tunnel on foot with a wind-up torch. When he found the broken-down trains, he returned promptly, collected some 13-amp fuses from our depot outside Paddington and strolled back down the tunnel to fix things. What's all the fuss about? The system works."

Eurostar (part-owned by SNCF) says it is working as fast as it can to fix the elementary schoolboy error in the basic design of its rolling stock (by French power-station constructor Alstom), by stuffing hundreds of bath-towels around the electric motors and installing vast banks of hairdryers - electric hairdryers - outside both ends of the Channel Tunnel.

Meanwhile, smug railway experts - who point out that Britain happened to make rather good trains, once upon a time - are waiting patiently for the French to shit themselves and gesticulate wildly once they remember that Alstom also built many of their nuclear power stations.

Sex With Gorillas Is Bad For You, Advise French Scientists

Doctors in Paris have warned that having sex with gorillas can lead to HIV infection, after a 62-year-old woman from Cameroon was found to be infected with a strain of the virus previously unknown in humans but recently discovered in the shy, rare mountain ape.

"The woman in question claims not to have had any contact with gorillas, or eaten bush meat from gorillas," said researcher Jean-Christophe Plantier of the University of Rouen. "However, she is as black as the aces of spades, so she is obviously lying. We have locked her in a room, are and bombarding her with photographs of gorillas in a variety of erotic poses. We think it is only a matter of time before she tears off her clothes and attempts to make love with the projector screen."

Others in the scientific community have suggested that the fast-adapting HIV strain could simply have spread from chimpanzee hosts to gorillas and humans quite separately - but the Parisian research team poured scorn on such ideas.

"However, there is one other possibility," admitted Dr Plantier. "It may be that this savage is not a human being at all, but a strategically-shaved female gorilla. There is, after all, a great deal of similarity between the angry grunts of the king of the apes and the wild jabbering of an excitable Frenchman."

65 Years Ago: D-Day Reimagined

On June 6th 1944, a huge invasion force consisting entirely of French and American troops landed on the shores of Normandy to commence the daunting task of releasing Europe from the crushing grip of Nazi Germany.

The invasion was meticulously planned down to the last detail by the leader of Free French forces, General Charles de Sarkozy, with a little help from his American ally, General Eisobamer.

Cameras were parachuted into France overnight to secure key locations which would give a commanding view of General de Sarkozy's profile, and shortly after dawn the whole of France was shaken by a deafening roar from an unprecedented barrage of reporters.

"I was the first American ashore," recalled Captain Tom Hanks, now an old man. "I jumped off the ramp of the LCI and landed on my feet. There were camera flashes going off left, right and centre. I was shot from every angle. My CO, Major Spielberg, went down in a blaze of glory. He sure earned his Purple Oscar that day."

While the Americans were pinned down on the Miami and Pismo beachheads, however, French forces were casually strolling about freely on Cannes beach and wondering what all the fuss was about.

"Ze first German troops we encountered, eet was in a café," recalled one veteran, proudly wearing his red beret and string of onions. "Zey were as surprised as we were to 'ear about ze landings on ze ozer side of France. We exchanged a few shots of Cognac, zen went on ze beers, sang 'Lilli Marlene' - et voila, eet was all over. We left zem lying on ze floor and staggered 'ome to bed at four in ze morning. War ees 'ell, n'est-ce pas?"

Meanwhile, in one of the cleverest deceptions in history, the German High Command was led to believe that a massive invasion force was heading for the Pas de Calais. In fact, the ghost force consisted solely of Captain HRH The Duke of Cornwall Charles Windsor VC and a brave-faced Gordon Highlander paddling ashore on a Carley float and making as much noise as possible.

Routine Disappearance of Airbus Upgraded to Tragedy After British Names Found on Manifest

The unremarkable disappearance of an AirFrance flight from Brazil to Paris turned into a tragedy of unimaginable proportions today, when it was discovered that five Britons did not know any better than to travel on a French airliner operated by a French carrier.

Another 223 people are missing, presumed dead, after the flying deathtrap vanished in mid-Atlantic - although most of them are likely to be French, and so presumably knew the risks.

Search aircraft are patrolling the vast ocean in the somewhat unlikely hope of spotting the Airbus A330 floating happily on the waves, with the passengers and crew enjoying a picnic on the wings as they wait to be picked up.

Realistically, however, all they are likely to see are a few seat cushions and plastic panels, which may give some indication of where the doomed plane's black boxes are lying on the ocean floor. The discovery of the cockpit voice recorder and flight data recorder would give vital clues about what went catastrophically wrong with Flight AF447, if they were examined by competent air accident investigators.

However, as the carrier, aeroplane and crew were all French, it is widely expected that the crash will be blamed on the weather, terrorist birds or those pesky aliens from the Bermuda Triangle, rather than any inherent design faults in French-assembled Airbuses - whose computer systems have occasionally been known to land aircraft in forests or attempt to loop the loop over Paris.

Non-French experts suggested that an automated radio message from the aircraft, reporting an electrical failure, may not necessarily mean that the plane had been brought down by lightning.

"Funnily enough, we thought of that problem several decades ago," said one non-French aircraft designer. "Although it may be convenient for the French government to try to blame random mischance, it's actually fairly common for airliners to be struck by lightning and carry on flying. It's not as if they're earthed, is it?"

"If and when the black boxes are brought to the surface and properly analysed - by which I mean by a British or American team of properly-trained experts with no political agenda, whose only concern is to prevent the same kind of accident from ever happening again - I wouldn't be surprised if the circuit failure wasn't caused by the frenzied cockpit crew desperately ripping out the wiring from behind the instrument panel in a desperate attempt to prevent the computer from trying to fly the aircraft to the moon," he added. "Unfortunately, however, it looks like the French will be handling this one themselves."

"Hope is not yet lost," a sombre President Nicolas Sarkozy told reporters in Paris. "We are investigating the possibility that there may be a plucky band of good-looking survivors on a mysterious, peripatetic island, struggling to outwit its highly-organised, malevolent occupants. It may be a bit far-fetched, I grant you - but no more so than the idea that France may one day place the safety of air travellers above national prestige. Vive la France!"

New Axis of Evil Threatens To Irritate Unaccountable Capitalists Slightly

As the much-anticipated G20 summit gets under way this morning, France and Germany have threatened to sabotage the make-or-break discussions by recklessly demanding some kind of outcome from the proceedings.

"Everybody knows that the main purpose of international beanos beginning with a G is for the democratically-elected leaders who like to think they run things to wring their hands on the news and pretend they give a flying fuck about something or other to do with poor people and penguins and all that crap," said one veteran aide. "Now the slimy French have turned up on their rusty bicycles - reeking of onions and with their goose-stepping partner-in-crime, the Hun, in tow as usual."

"This is not a good time for Monsieur Sarkozy to start waving his arms about as if he's trying to wave Concorde in to land on a helicopter carrier, and shouting some irresponsible bollocks about telling the money men what they can and can't do with the planet they've bought," said Gordon Brown. "Poorly-informed people might be led to construe that as some kind of oblique criticism of the Financial Services Authority, which I had the vision to set up some years ago when I was Chancellor of the Exchequer, or of the tax havens which are run with such commendable diligence by the Foreign Office from right here in London."

Pope Rethinks Advice on Abstinence After Copping Eyeful of French President's Wife In The Buff

God's vicar on Earth, Pope Benedict XVI, is reported to have changed his mind about the benefits of sexual abstinence, after the French government sent President Nicolas Sarkozy's hot wife, Carla Bruni, on a mission to meet the 81-year-old pontiff in Africa and give him a practical demonstration of why he will never stop people fucking.

The French foreign ministry had previously joined a growing worldwide chorus of condemnation of the Pope's bizarre claim that using condoms could, in some unfathomable way understood only by him and his imaginary friend, God, make the continent's AIDS and HIV epidemic worse.

Instead, Pope Benedict insisted that the only way to avoid infection and a hideous, lingering death was for everyone to remain celibate until they married another Catholic virgin.

"Zut! France may be a predominantly Catholic country," said foreign ministry spokesman Eric Chevallier, "But we also have a reputation for fucking like rabbits, which is after all a basic and natural impulse. We therefore asked President Sarkozy if he wouldn't mind lending us his gorgeous, pouting wife for a couple of days - and he generously agreed, as he desperately needed to give his little fellow a bit of a rest."

Ms Bruni caught up with the Pope in Cameroon as he was being greeted at the airport by President Paul Biya, and promptly ripped open her flimsy dress to tempt the surprised Vicar of Christ with an eyeful of her legendary Charlies.

The embarrassed Pope Benedict tried in vain to cover the growing proturbance in his cassock, as the watching dignitaries nudged him encouragingly with their elbows. However, as the comely Ms Bruni lasciviously ground her pelvis against his thigh, he uttered a lust-fuelled moan of ecstasy, tore off his vestments and buried his wrinkly face in the welcoming depths of her cleavage.

To wild cheers of encouragement from the watching crowds, the sweating pontiff then proceeded to give France's first lady a papal poking, right there on the hot tarmac of the airport. Unfortunately, the overenthusiastic former Flak gunner shot his porridge over Ms Bruni after only a few seconds; but Mr Biya kindly allowed the couple to continue their sexual acrobatics in the back of the presidential limousine on the way to a huge open-air Mass.

Arriving at the stadium, a white-faced but grinning Pope staggered from the vehicle in his underpants and told his hushed followers: "I've been such a fool, my children, but I'm going to make up for all the tragic, wasted years of my hollow life by furiously shagging anything with a pulse that can't run away fast enough. Fuck all you want, my flock - just remember to wear a condom, that's all."

"Right," he added, removing his y-fronts to gasps of admiration from the faithful, "Who's first?"

When Subs Collide

The Royal Navy has confirmed that the nuclear submarine HMS White Vanguard was involved in a collision with a French counterpart, Le Capitulant, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean ten days ago.

Despite having extensive sonar systems, both submarines were unaware of the presence of the other until they crashed into each other, said a naval spokesman, adding hopefully: "Well, at least it proves that the stealth technology works, eh?"

Details of the incident are only now emerging. It appears that HMS White Vanguard's helmsman was engaging in a difficult travelling-in-a-straight-line manoeuvre while scrabbling around on the floor for a Queen CD, when the French submarine suddenly appeared out of nowhere on the wrong side of the sea while its crew were looking at porn on a computer. The White Vanguard's captain sounded his horn, shouted, "Watch out, you wanker!" as required by the international law of the sea and tried to swerve out of the way, but sideswiped a passing whale and bounced back into the path of the oblivious French sub - causing extensive damage to his boat's go-faster stripes and fibreglass air dam.

Both subs surfaced immediately and - according to eye-witness accounts from the shadowing US and Russian subs - the White Vanguard's captain, inspired by centuries of RN tradition, immediately offered to send a boarding party across to "sort out" the French. The slovenly, cognac-sodden captain of the Capitulant, however, merely waved his arms around like an orang-utan, gibbered like a mad parrot and seemed extremely agitated about the scratches on his shoddily-built vessel's paintwork.

Once the traditional exchange of maritime pleasantries was over, both captains exchanged insurance details and sailed off to their home ports.

The details of the French claim are not known; it has been suggested that the details they gave may be bogus, and they may in fact have been joyriding recklessly in a stolen, hot-wired sub. Meanwhile, the Royal Navy is said to be claiming that all sixteen Trident nuclear missiles fell out of the back, and is demanding that Lloyds of London replace the sub with a shiny new one, due to a bent reactor. A spokesman for the venerable marine insurers, however, said that if the senior service checked the small print of its contract it would realise that it stood to lose a £500bn no-claims bonus if the sub was written off, adding that the White Vanguard's captain is liable for the first £3bn cost of repairs out of his own pocket.

Unspeakable French At It Again

Those unspeakable French have once again shown their complete contempt for all civilized - i.e. British - values, by unashamedly letting their government know that they are slightly displeased by what it is doing to alleviate the effects of the recession.

An estimated 2.5m smelly sans-culottes actually dared to walk through the streets of 200 towns and cities today, in a swathe of disgraceful protest marches organized by disloyal trade unions who seemed suspiciously interested in the welfare of the average Johnny Frog, rather than giving their unquestioning support to the government as they should.

“I am - ‘ow you say - up to ‘ere wiz zees fouteur Sarkozy and ze Carla Bruni wiz zee big boobies,” said an onion-wearing man in a striped shirt and beret, as he munched greedily on a horse.

“We are not going to seet back on le cul and suffair,” agreed his excitable, overdressed harlot as she waved her unpleasantly hairy armpits in a most disagreeable manner. “En France, we ‘ave a ‘abeet of taking to ze streets at ze drop of a ‘at and saying ‘Non’ to ze useless gouvernement. Excusez-moi, ees zat un mouton over zere? Pierre! Apportez les allumettes, donc!”

Meanwhile, the stolid British public carried on with their civilised way of life: sprawling apathetically in front of their televisions, shaking their heads in horror at the gibbering antics of their loathsome neighbours, scratching their ever-spreading arses and waiting patiently for the P45 to drop through the letterbox.

Automatics Anonymous (Part 2)

The French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, has promised punishment for the soldier who accidentally shot 17 members of the public at a military display on Saturday.

The soldier is understood to have mistakenly loaded a magazine containing live ammunition into his assault rifle, before opening fire in the mock hostage-release operation at the base near Carcassonne.

Prosecutors have said they would press for a charge of causing unintentional harm when he appears before judges today.

“This might seem a rather mild way of referring to emptying an automatic weapon into the general public,” admitted Mr Sarkozy, “But hey - at least we aren’t just doing him for a breach of health and safety rules.”

What This Conglomeration of Member States Needs Is A Bloody Good War

The chairman of the European Parliament’s Foreign Affairs Committee has called for an increase in defence spending to create a European Army.

The call, from Poland’s Jacek Saryusz-Wolski, will chime with French plans to increase members’ defence budgets to 6% of GDP to beef up military capability.

“The story of the 20th century was one of bloodshed and misery on an unprecedented scale, written into the annals of history in the blood of millions,” said Mr Saryusz-Wolski. “But of course it wasn’t all bad. Unemployment vanished overnight, young people had discipline drilled into them as they were conscripted into the vast armies of death, and people huddled in their air raid shelters experienced a real sense of community as they waited for annihilation from the skies. And we were all culturally enriched by a legacy of really moving poems and movies.”

Nicolas Sarkozy agreed, saying: “On the face of it, France suffered terribly from one world war in which 1.7m citizens were slaughtered, and another under the Nazi jackboot. America, however, emerged from the cataclysm billions of dollars richer as the dominant superpower. If there should be another horrific worldwide spree of senseless carnage, that’s the position we want to be in when it’s all over. But for that to happen, first of all you need a vast, kick-ass army - preferably one equipped with shiny new French-made hardware. Vive la guerre!”

Some member states are likely to oppose the plans, however. Gordon Brown said: “The British are by nature a peace-loving race, which is why we fight so many wars in its name. But if, and God forbid, there should ever be another global conflict, we know exactly where we would stand – right in front of our great friends the Americans.”

Arse, Sir Kylie

Australian pop singer Kylie Minogue has been honoured by the French Government for her “contribution to the enrichment of French culture”.

After hearing she had been made a Knight in the Order of Arts and Letters, the diminutive 39-year-old diva said: “Bonzer! I am deeply honoured to be recognised in this way? French culture has influenced me greatly yeah? and I have always had colossal respect for the arts and people of France?

"Every time I prance about on stage singing ‘I just can't get you out of my head, Boy your loving is all I think about, I just can't get you out of my head, Boy it's more than I dare to think about’, in my mind I really am the tragic poster-girl of proto-realism Emma Bovary?

"Even at the start of my pop career, I was inspired by the legendary sheila philosopher and feminist Simone de Beauvoir? whenever I belted out those timeless words ‘I should be so lucky, Lucky lucky lucky, I should be so lucky in love’?”

“I’ll place this award in my trophy cabinet, yeah?” she added, “Right next to my prestigious FHM Rear of the Year 2007 award?”