Air Crash Bodies Say France Definitely Not Responsible For Their Deaths

France has announced that its search team has found bodies in a section of the Air France airliner that crashed in mid-Atlantic in 2009, adding that several of them clearly died clutching hastily-written notes to the windows that absolutely exonerate France from any blame for their untimely demise.

Of course, the wreckage could be an elaborate hoax

“I regret zat our magnificent search ‘as not located ze black boxes of Flight 447, which ‘ave undoubtedly been eaten by ze fabulous squid énorme,” said environment minister Nathalie Kosciusko-Morizet. “In zair absence, ‘owever, ze testimony of zose aboard ze doomed Airbus must count vair ‘ighly in ze apportionment of ze blame.”

“One bloated corpse can be seen ‘olding ze serviette to ze window, bearing ze message: ‘Eef by some miracle I get out of zees alive, I would ‘appily fly Air France again wizout ‘esitation’,” she quoted. “Anozzer spent ze final moments of ‘er earthly existence writing ‘Typical - ze shitty British-manufactured wings ‘ave bose fallen off, isn’t it’.”

“I do not wish to pre-empt ze official Bureau d'Enquêtes et d'Analyses report into ze causes of ze crash,” the minister went on confidently, “But, as ever, eet ees patently obvious zat any so-called failings in French aircraft design, manufacture and operation exist solely in ze fevered imaginations of ze evil Anglo-Saxon accident investigation experts.”

“Zut,” she added for no apparent reason.