As the much-anticipated G20 summit gets under way this morning, France and Germany have threatened to sabotage the make-or-break discussions by recklessly demanding some kind of outcome from the proceedings.
"Everybody knows that the main purpose of international beanos beginning with a G is for the democratically-elected leaders who like to think they run things to wring their hands on the news and pretend they give a flying fuck about something or other to do with poor people and penguins and all that crap," said one veteran aide. "Now the slimy French have turned up on their rusty bicycles - reeking of onions and with their goose-stepping partner-in-crime, the Hun, in tow as usual."
"This is not a good time for Monsieur Sarkozy to start waving his arms about as if he's trying to wave Concorde in to land on a helicopter carrier, and shouting some irresponsible bollocks about telling the money men what they can and can't do with the planet they've bought," said Gordon Brown. "Poorly-informed people might be led to construe that as some kind of oblique criticism of the Financial Services Authority, which I had the vision to set up some years ago when I was Chancellor of the Exchequer, or of the tax havens which are run with such commendable diligence by the Foreign Office from right here in London."