What This Conglomeration of Member States Needs Is A Bloody Good War

The chairman of the European Parliament’s Foreign Affairs Committee has called for an increase in defence spending to create a European Army.

The call, from Poland’s Jacek Saryusz-Wolski, will chime with French plans to increase members’ defence budgets to 6% of GDP to beef up military capability.

“The story of the 20th century was one of bloodshed and misery on an unprecedented scale, written into the annals of history in the blood of millions,” said Mr Saryusz-Wolski. “But of course it wasn’t all bad. Unemployment vanished overnight, young people had discipline drilled into them as they were conscripted into the vast armies of death, and people huddled in their air raid shelters experienced a real sense of community as they waited for annihilation from the skies. And we were all culturally enriched by a legacy of really moving poems and movies.”

Nicolas Sarkozy agreed, saying: “On the face of it, France suffered terribly from one world war in which 1.7m citizens were slaughtered, and another under the Nazi jackboot. America, however, emerged from the cataclysm billions of dollars richer as the dominant superpower. If there should be another horrific worldwide spree of senseless carnage, that’s the position we want to be in when it’s all over. But for that to happen, first of all you need a vast, kick-ass army - preferably one equipped with shiny new French-made hardware. Vive la guerre!”

Some member states are likely to oppose the plans, however. Gordon Brown said: “The British are by nature a peace-loving race, which is why we fight so many wars in its name. But if, and God forbid, there should ever be another global conflict, we know exactly where we would stand – right in front of our great friends the Americans.”