Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Pope Rethinks Advice on Abstinence After Copping Eyeful of French President's Wife In The Buff

God's vicar on Earth, Pope Benedict XVI, is reported to have changed his mind about the benefits of sexual abstinence, after the French government sent President Nicolas Sarkozy's hot wife, Carla Bruni, on a mission to meet the 81-year-old pontiff in Africa and give him a practical demonstration of why he will never stop people fucking.

The French foreign ministry had previously joined a growing worldwide chorus of condemnation of the Pope's bizarre claim that using condoms could, in some unfathomable way understood only by him and his imaginary friend, God, make the continent's AIDS and HIV epidemic worse.

Instead, Pope Benedict insisted that the only way to avoid infection and a hideous, lingering death was for everyone to remain celibate until they married another Catholic virgin.

"Zut! France may be a predominantly Catholic country," said foreign ministry spokesman Eric Chevallier, "But we also have a reputation for fucking like rabbits, which is after all a basic and natural impulse. We therefore asked President Sarkozy if he wouldn't mind lending us his gorgeous, pouting wife for a couple of days - and he generously agreed, as he desperately needed to give his little fellow a bit of a rest."

Ms Bruni caught up with the Pope in Cameroon as he was being greeted at the airport by President Paul Biya, and promptly ripped open her flimsy dress to tempt the surprised Vicar of Christ with an eyeful of her legendary Charlies.

The embarrassed Pope Benedict tried in vain to cover the growing proturbance in his cassock, as the watching dignitaries nudged him encouragingly with their elbows. However, as the comely Ms Bruni lasciviously ground her pelvis against his thigh, he uttered a lust-fuelled moan of ecstasy, tore off his vestments and buried his wrinkly face in the welcoming depths of her cleavage.

To wild cheers of encouragement from the watching crowds, the sweating pontiff then proceeded to give France's first lady a papal poking, right there on the hot tarmac of the airport. Unfortunately, the overenthusiastic former Flak gunner shot his porridge over Ms Bruni after only a few seconds; but Mr Biya kindly allowed the couple to continue their sexual acrobatics in the back of the presidential limousine on the way to a huge open-air Mass.

Arriving at the stadium, a white-faced but grinning Pope staggered from the vehicle in his underpants and told his hushed followers: "I've been such a fool, my children, but I'm going to make up for all the tragic, wasted years of my hollow life by furiously shagging anything with a pulse that can't run away fast enough. Fuck all you want, my flock - just remember to wear a condom, that's all."

"Right," he added, removing his y-fronts to gasps of admiration from the faithful, "Who's first?"

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