Monday, 30 March 2009

Plymouth: National Capital of Crap Terrorist Activity

Plymouth - a small island off the coast of Devon - has once again struck fear into the heart of the nation, with the news that Devon and Cornwall Police have fearlessly thwarted another crap terrorist.

Details are yet to emerge, but Assistant Chief Constable for Bad News Paul Netherton said that a 25-year-old man had been caught spraying graffiti on a wall with a potentially-explosive can of paint. When his home was dismantled by specially-trained anti-terrorist PCSOs, they discovered a plastic toy rifle, a spud gun capable of inflicting horrific suffering on the potato-allergic, a deadly packet of sparklers and extremist literature of a politically-sensitive nature, possibly written by the notorious George Orwell. As a precaution, they have arrested everyone else in the house on suspicion of belonging to a terrorist group hell-bent on turning forthcoming G20 protests in London into a corpse-strewn charnel-house resembling the Battle of the Somme.

"We are not saying that these people are Islamic fundamentalists. Nor are we saying that they are in any way connected to Plymouth's notorious failed suicide bomber Blimey O'Reilly," said Mr Netherton. "There is no evidence, in fact, to suggest that they pose any kind of risk at all to anybody. So please forget that I made any mention of Islamic fundamentalist terrorism. These people are not Islamic. They are not fundamentalists. They are not terrorists. Islamic? Fundamentalists? Terrorists? No. But God forbid, don't let me prejudice you in any way. I don't want to frighten anybody."

Mr Netherton also told the Nev Filter that the Westcountry's finest were still working round-the-clock to track down the suspected ringleader of Plymouth's underground anarcho-warrior cult, a shadowy radical figure on the fringes of society notorious for obsessively blogging a steady stream of vile, politically-inspired diatribes to his brainwashed army of crazed followers.

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