In a dramatic resignation speech on behalf of the entire government, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has conceded that the Labour Party is finished as a political force, as a result of the Home Secretary's scandalous misuse of £10 of taxpayers' money to subsidise husband - and parliamentary aide - Richard Timney's keen interest in pornography.
The last 24 hours have seen ugly scenes in cities, towns and villages all over the country, as the British public finally rose up in popular revolt against what is widely seen as the worst excess in decades of ministerial sleaze.
"Time and again, the people of Britain have shown that they don't really give a stuff about ministers claiming tens of thousands in expenses for notional second homes, fictitious jobs for their relatives and misappropriating parliamentary funds for constituency business," said a contrite, sackcloth-draped prime minister, before setting off to Buckingham Palace on his hands and knees to inform the Queen of the immediate resignation of the entire government. "But Jacqui Smith has caused irreparable damage to the reputation of the Parliamentary Labour Party by demanding a fiver from the public purse every time her husband tugs his willy."
Mr Brown stressed that the Home Secretary was not at home when Mr Timney was polluting himself shamelessly.
"I must caution the public not to soil their minds by imagining the Home Secretary brazenly cavorting in a porn-crazed orgy of unspeakable perversions," he warned with a shudder. "That way lies madness."
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