David Cameron has promised that the Conservatives will roll up their sleeves and flush out what he called the country's "welfare drain".
"For decades, Britain has suffered from a severe case of welfare diarrhoea," he told Welsh Conservatives. "We entered this recession with almost five million turds on out-of-work benefit, and it's only going to get worse."
"A Conservative government, once elected, would act imodiately to stop the national arse from squelching out any more scrounging doley shits," he warned. "We will lift up the welfare drain cover, roll up our sleeves and put appropriate pressure on this mass of unemployed excrement. The stinking, rotten turds will be forced down the pipe to treatment workfare schemes, where they will be left to rot - well away of the view of any decent people who might be offended by the disgusting stench of dumping the blame for the recession on the heads of its victims."