"My girlfriend and I will be on the quayside at one o'clock sharp, bags packed and ready," snapped irate futures trader Rob Blind, who has been forced to soak up more sun and drink more cocktails in Goa by the evil Icelandic volcano plume. "Cabin for two with a balcony, please. Sort it."
Following a meeting of the COBRA emergency committee, in which it was pointed out that many of the stranded travellers are nice middle-class people who tend to vote in elections, the government later announced that it was sending its three largest warships - assault boat HMS Waterfeature and the pocket carriers HMS Dinghy Royal and HMS Little Britain - on a big circular tour of the world's top holiday destinations to collect all 150,000 ash victims, stack them eight-deep on the hangar decks and return them to their polling districts by 6 May at the latest.
"Travellers may experience a certain amount of discomfort," admitted navy spokesman Admiral Insurance, "Especially the ones who have to stand all the way on the flight deck."
Meanwhile, airlines are beginning to question the actual danger posed by the plume, after a British Airways 747 landed safely following a test flight through the ash cloud with chief executive Willie Walsh lashed to the tail fin, roaring defiance at the elements.
"If anybody was going to be hurled to earth and smashed to bloody chunks, whether you believe in God, karma or Mother Nature, then that person would surely be me," snarled the unharmed executive as flight attendants unstrapped him and gave him oxygen. "But behold, minions and trade unionists - I live!"
"Bloody hell," he added. "Give me some more of that oxygen, love."
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