Thursday, 28 August 2008


The Royal Navy was involved in its biggest ever drugs-busting operation yesterday, when HMS Liverpool was found to be carrying 18 cocaine-filled sailors.

Citizens of the fair city of Liverpool expressed shock and disgust at finding the reputation of their wonderful home town besmirched by their naval namesake, with many worthy Scousers indignantly shrieking, “Ey! Ey!! Ey!!!” in tones rising to inaudible frequencies.

The Type 42 destroyer, which is currently deployed on operations to combat drug-smuggling, was found to be awash with illegal drugs after the crew had a ‘run ashore’ in Brazil.

“We conducted random drug tests on the crew after the captain noticed a sharp reduction in the number of nostrils aboard ship,” explained the ship’s doctor. “Also, when the crew were paraded on deck, some of them were clearly marching in a strangely Colombian manner. Eighteen crew members whom we subsequently tested were found to be positive. In fact, some of them were absolutely ecstatic. You really don’t want to know what they’ve been getting up to in the rigging, believe me.”

“Positive test rates in the Navy last year averaged less than 0.4%,” pointed out a spokeswoman from the Ministry of Sound Defence. “Unfortunately, the nature of statistical variation means that they appear to be slightly higher among the 240 crew aboard HMS Liverpool. All right - nineteen times higher, if you must know.”

“But let’s not lose sight of the important fact that the Royal Navy has seized the biggest-ever haul of illegal drugs in its illustrious history,” she added sheepishly. “Even if they didn’t have to look very far to find them.”

The Navy denied internet rumours that they would soon be selling tickets to the biggest festival in the Southern Hemisphere, and said that HMS Liverpool had impounded itself pending collection and destruction by specialist teams from the US Drug Enforcement Agency.

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