Nazi Invasion of Britain Called Off

Adolf Hitler's much-vaunted invasion of Britain was put on hold indefinitely last night, after a plucky defence of the nation's airwaves by the brave few.

The screeching Nazi dictator's long-feared appearance on Conquest Time was confidently routed by the Royal Airtime Force's finest young heroes - plucky Sqn Ldr 'Mad Jack' Straw VC and bar, dashing Flt Lt Chris 'Hun-Basher' Huhne DSO DFC, doughty Sgt 'Bluey' Warsi DFM and a gutsy Eagle Squadron volunteer from the United States, Pilot Officer 'Clyde' Greer.

Hitler's dreaded, droning Luftwaffle was repeatedly torn apart by valiant attacks, resolutely pressed home before the very eyes of literally hundreds of civilians who came out of their shelters to watch the epic battle unfolding in the BBC's studios.

Adolf first tried to drop an enormous bombshell by claiming that Mr Churchill was in fact the original card-carrying Nazi, but it fell harmlessly into the mud of the Thames and failed to explode. Next, an attempted incendiary attack on Sqn Ldr Straw's father blew up in the fascist leader's face, to the jubilant cheers of the watching London crowds. Before long, Herr Hitler was reduced to a state of hysteria, laughing feebly as one by one his arguments were plucked from the air and smashed to the ground by his opponents.

Back at home, ordinary Nazis were outraged by their leader's dismal performance.

"Der führer vos humiliated in ze eyes of der vorld," snarled a tearful unteroffizier of the elite Scheisskopf Division. "He vos meekly sitting zere mit ein dirty, Christ-murdering Jew, ein member of ze cringing untouchable caste und ein shallow-pated negro slave, und he utterly failed to beat ze living crap out of a single vun of zem. Some great fascist he turned out to be. Perhaps ve should follow der Fatty Brons instead. He may be a bit funny in ze head, but at least you can alvays rely on him to scream der purple-faced abuse at ze inferior races und vind up red-faced in ze dock."

"Gott in Himmel! Achtung!" he added. "For us, ze var is over."

His tail between his legs, Herr Hitler called off his planned subjugation of the British media after a bruising hour, finally mumbling incoherently to himself about the Stalinist legions of the BBC. He is believed to have retired to his bunker and blown his brains out, after witnesses saw him limping around this morning with a heavily-bandaged foot.