Adolf Hitler has been granted temporary leave from the fieriest pit of hell to give a newspaper interview on the subject of Formula One.
Speaking with difficulty due to his lips being crudely stitched together with a burning coal in his mouth, the unrepentant architect of Nazism mumbled candidly about his admiration for F1's owner, Bernie Ecclestone.
"Say vot you like, zat liddle mop-top shortarse ist ein great dictator," said Hitler, looking a little the worse for wear after enduring 64 years of intimacy with red-hot skewers. "I vos screaming mit Saddam Hussein only yesterday during zer daily genital-roasting, und ve both vish ve had his ability to command a lot of peoples und to get things done."
"He is der only vun who can control der Formula Vun," explained the smouldering führer. "He moves into countries und he has no idea of kultur, he just takes all zer cash zer corrupt governments throw at him, tells zem vat he vants und zey build it. Zer are peoples starving in Afrika, und he sits back - alzough he might be standing, it's hard to tell - and does nudding except count his moneys. Vot a guy!"
Stifling sobs of agony caused by the dozens of pins stuck into his eyeballs, the former leader of Nazi Germany urged Mr Ecclestone not to get taken away by the rebellious F1 teams and persuaded to do things he had no idea could be done or not - such as letting them spend their own money on their own cars as they see fit without his bloated lackey, the black-uniformed Josef Mosley, inflicting his insane race theories on them, such as ordering all cars to be fitted with at least one square wheel.
"He says he vants a Jewish black female in zer sport to boost zer appeal," added Herr Hitler hurriedly, as a deep, booming voice recalled him to hell for his daily flensing. "Zat vould indeed make zer excellent trophy for zer vinning driver."
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