Adolf Hitler is alive and well and planning to unleash an unstoppable army of fanatical Nazi clones on a defenceless world, warned an archaeologist who claims that a bullet-pierced skull fragment long believed to belong to the evil dictator is in fact that of a woman.
"At the end o' the worr, a weary world needed to know that the corrs of so much inhuman suffering were, loike, definitely dead 'n' gone, oo arr," explained Phil from Time Team, an acknowledged expert on holes in the ground who carries an unrivalled collection of 206 assorted human bones around with him at all times. "So they Russians prodooced a few charred bits o' bone, everyone agreed they looked distinctly like Hitler and moved on."
"But 'twere orl a terrible case of wishful thinkin', loike," he warned. "That there 'itler chap, 'e probbly slipped out o' Germany amid all the chaos, mebbe entertainin' unsuspectin' British troops boi doin' Charlie Chaplin impressions in a tourin' concert party. Roight now, there moight be an embittered 120-year-old führer sittin' insoide an extinct volcano, puttin' the final touches to his insane plans to establish a Fourth Reich. Moine's a point o' scrumpy, Mick."
Wavering Labour grandee Lord Mandelson seized on the announcement with glee, humbly offering his services to any right-wing loony who might be running things in a year's time. However, World War II experts have reacted with caution to Phil from Time Team's astonishing claim.
"Interesting though this muddy bumpkin's theory may be, we cannot completely discount the possibility that the führer may simply have been a woman who went to unusual lengths to explain away a tragic facial hair problem," said the renowned war historians, Peter and Dan Snow, releasing a swarm of miniature blue and red armies from a large mapcase on the bonnet of a Range Rover. "That might explain a few things."
"Blimey," said the world's leading historyologist, Tony Robinson, turning to a graphic design flunky with a laptop. "Imagine Hitler with tits."
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