Camerons Torn Between Hideously Off-Message Cornish Baby Names

A welcome addition to Cornwall's tiny gene pool

Following the early arrival of David and Samantha Cameron’s fourth child in the middle of their Cornish holiday – proving to a delighted nation that the prime minister has passed one of the key requirements of a modern party leader, namely that his cock works – the happy couple are said to be rapidly regretting Mr Cameron’s ill-advised comment that the as yet unnamed baby girl would “have to have something Cornish in the middle”.

Hastily-dispatched spin doctors from Conservative Central Office flew down to Cornwall, where they swiftly embarked upon a damage limitation exercise.

“When people think of Cornwall – if, and it’s a very big if, they ever think of it at all – words like ‘bloody rip-off’, ‘chronic unemployment’ and ‘economic disaster area’ tend to be foremost in their minds,” admitted a smarmy prick called Damien. “About the only Cornwall-related word that immediately stands out as anything less than utterly inappropriate for the grand-daughter of a baronet and a viscountess on one side and a descendent of William IV on the other is ‘inbred’. But the tooth growing out of her forehead makes that rather superfluous.”

“We’ll probably surf YouTube for any fuzzy old clips of Poldark, and see if anything jumps out,” he added without enthusiasm. “But not Demelza - wasn’t she a bit of a tinker who married several miles above herself and never could quite figure out where to place the fish knives?”