James Bond Killed In Tragic Cost-Cutting Mishap

Britain’s foremost secret agent, James Bond, was found today dead in a holdall in his London apartment, in what MI6 chiefs are claiming was a tragic consequence of Whitehall budget-paring.

Right idea - wrong spy

“Clearly, Mr Bond was simply hoping to save the department a small fortune in travel expenses by travelling as freight to his next top-secret assignment,” explained M this afternoon. “Unfortunately, having successfully zipped himself into an item of luggage, he realised too late that he was unable to deliver himself to the post office, and tragically starved to death after struggling unsuccessfully to get out of the bag.”

M denied categorically that there was anything remotely sinister about the super-spy’s unfortunate demise, although she did add that Q had been dispatched to the nearest branch of TJ Hughes to procure baggage which would permit easier egress for secret agents in future.

“On behalf of the whole department, I’d like to thank Mr Bond’s considerate neighbour, Mr Jaws,” she added. “If he hadn’t become concerned about James’ inactivity and chewed through the door, we might never have discovered his fate. As a token of our gratitude, I shall be giving him a personal guided tour of the MI6 offices and introducing him to the team.”

“If only the minister hadn’t ordered us to cut Mr Bond’s entertainment budget,” she reflected. “If he had been sharing his apartment with an attractive Russian cellist or wealthy expatriate circus owner, this tragedy would never have happened.”