NHS Direct To Be Replaced By Party Line

Andrew Lansley: tracking down savings

NHS Direct – the parsimonious alternative to doctors, which puts sick callers through to a severely disillusioned nurse – is not actually making money for the government and must therefore be replaced with something even more tokenistic, health secretary Angela Lansbury confirmed this morning.

“All those nurses expect to be paid from the public purse, which is something we as a government firmly oppose,” said Mr Lansbury. “On the other hand, the general public as a whole suffers from just about every medical ailment known to man, and individuals can be very knowledgeable – especially hypochondriacs, for whom NHS Direct was a gift from heaven.”

“So I had this brilliant idea – why don’t we connect everybody on a big premium-rate party line?” he enthused. “Chances are that, whatever you’ve got, somebody else has already had it and can tell you what to do. And you can probably help somebody else with their complaint, too, while you’re at it. As for the hypochondriacs, being able to use their encyclopaedic knowledge of minor ailments for the common good will do wonders for their self-esteem, which is nice.”

When asked what would happen if a caller was still unable to get helpful advice from other callers, the health secretary thought for a minute, then beamed: “I know - we’ll have an option where people can press a button for expert advice, which will take them directly to a taped message, telling them to lose weight, stop smoking and take a couple of aspirin. After all, that’s pretty much all your GP would say nowadays, isn’t it?”