Putin Wrestles Whale Into Submission With Headlock

The Russian superman's latest triumph

Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin’s strange macho compulsion to dominate wildlife has emerged again, this time in the form of a bizarre stunt in which he dived into the sea off Russia’s Pacific coast to engage in life-or-death hand-to-fluke combat with a whale.

The 57-year-old KGB veteran donned a brightly-coloured leotard - complete with a fearsome-looking squid mask - to enrage the whale, and had himself fired at it by a deck-mounted catapult as it leapt out of the water.

Mr Putin firmly slapped the whale on the jaw as he flashed past its ten-foot long face, before splashing down yards away. As the whale crashed back into the water, he took a huge gulp of air and dived in search of his krill-munching quarry.

Observers reported a mighty churning of the waters as the two evenly-matched protagonists wrestled for dominance of the seas. Several minutes passed before the whale burst out of the sea again, with the Russian leader’s brawny arm clamped firmly round its neck. Mr Putin gasped for breath, before disappearing in a wall of spray. However, after a few more minutes the beaten, headlocked whale floated gently to the surface, flapping the surface of the ocean three times with its fluke to signify submission.

An exhausted but triumphant Mr Putin clambered from the water, announcing: “I win great victory today for Russian peoples. Now I king of the whale, in addition to master of the polar bear and lord of the tiger. What mighty creatures bow to puny pencil-necked President Obama? Gopher? Skunk? He not even bring down docile bison.”

Ling Ling, The Panda's Dead

Ling Ling, the only giant panda owned by Japan, has died at Tokyo’s Ueno Zoo at the ripe old age of 22.

“He died peacefully. I think he lived a full life,” said keeper Motoyasu Ida. “In human terms, he climbed several of the world’s tallest mountains, swam with sharks and dolphins in a tropical paradise lagoon, discovered a cure for cancer, became an astronaut, starred in some of the world’s biggest box-office hits, scored the winning goals in two world cup finals and married a string of beautiful models. In panda terms, admittedly, he sat on his fat dopey arse and chewed bamboo every day for 22 years, but then that was his idea of a full life. Panda steak, anyone?”

Rumours that Ling Ling’s death may not have been solely due to advancing years and failing health were fuelled by unconfirmed sightings of a harpoon gun mounted on a flatbed truck speeding away from the zoo in the dead of night.

Whales and Dolphins, Whales and Dolphins Yeah

In a heart-warming story that briefly makes everything seem all right with the world, two beached whales have been rescued by a dolphin in New Zealand.

The pygmy sperm whales had stranded themselves repeatedly at Mahia Beach, on the east coast of North Island. Conservation teams, which had tried hard to rescue the whales, were on the point of giving up and giving them lethal injections when the bottlenose dolphin, known to locals as Moko, appeared and made straight for them.

"I don't speak whale and I don't speak dolphin," said Conservation Officer Malcolm Smith, "But there was obviously something that went on, because the two whales changed their attitude from being quite distressed to following the dolphin quite willingly and directly along the beach and straight out to sea."

Mr Smith may not speak Whale or Dolphin, but here at the Nev Filter we do, and our expert has been analysing hydrophone recordings of the incident.

The transcript shows the following exchange took place:

“Hello, sir, madam. Having a little trouble, are we?”

“You took your own sweet time.”

“I’m supposed to get here within two hours of your call, sir, and you called an hour and three quarters ago. Don’t blame me, the traffic’s bloody awful this time of day. What seems to be the matter?”

“It’s this water. It’s gone all hard underneath us, and we can’t seem to swim through it.”

“That’s sand what you’ve got there mate. Sand, that’s your problem.”

“Sand… um… that’s bad is it?”

“Well, guv’nor, it’s one of those things you get when you run out of sea. That’s what you’ve gone and done. Never mind, I’ve got a tow-rope, I’ll have you out of there in a jiffy.”

“Sorry about this. It’s the wife, you see, you can’t give her a map, she’s got no sense of direction at all. Sorry, dear.”

“Dave! At least I don’t swim like a lunatic.”

“Well, you want to get one of these here satnavs, mate. Absolute lifesaver. I wouldn’t be without it. Here we go - ladies first, whoops, ‘scuse me missus - right, heave-ho. There you go. Now you, sir. That’s it. Right, now where was you trying to get to?”

“Antarctica. We’re meeting some very nice Japanese people who found us on Facebook.”

“Righto, no problem, let’s punch that into the old satnav… here you are. Go round this New Zealand bit here, miss that thing called Australia, straight on up the Atlantic for a couple of thousand miles to this little crinkly bit called Norway. Now mind how you go, sir! And watch out for plastic bags in your blowhole around that bit called Britain.”