Putin Not Out, Shake It All About

Mr Putin needs to hug something this big to regain credibility

There have been widespread calls from President Vladimir Putin for an investigation into vote-rigging in Russia today, the day after fraudulent election officials criminally failed to alter a shocking 37% of the ballot papers in his favour.

“What kind of message is sent out to the rest of the world when corrupt state employees openly abuse the trust placed in them, by not doing what I pay them for?” demanded Mr Putin as he stamped angrily through a forest clad only in a pair of Speedos and a crown, looking for photogenic wildlife to squeeze. “The people should demand the severest punishment for those who turn Russia into an object of international ridicule.”

Dummy To Hand Russia Back To Ventriloquist

Global audiences were reduced to tears of laughter today by the familiar comedy antics of top ventriloquist Vladimir Putin and his hapless dummy, Little Dmitry, as they performed their hilarious slapstick routine, Pass The Russia.

Mr Vladimir's 'cold hands' gag always raises a laugh

A key part of the act is the in-joke of both ventriloquist and dummy speaking with exactly the same voice, and generations have enjoyed the long-running spectacle of the dummy pretending to exchange roles with ‘Mr Vladimir’ – who somehow always contrives to keep the neatly-wrapped parcel firmly within his grasp.

Audiences also fall off their chairs laughing at Mr Vladimir’s silly adventures, in which he entrusts Little Dmitry with the boring, everyday task of locking up all the other would-be entertainers while he pretends to be Action Man - wrestling bare-chested with children, horses, polar bears, tigers, even whales and dolphins, and generally making a fool of himself with his toy jets, mini-subs and racing cars.

“I want to thank you, Little Dmitry, for the positive reaction to the proposal for me to sit on your lap for a few years,” Mr Vladimir told his blank-faced dummy, to gales of helpless laughter. “For 143 million Russians, this is a great honour - and besides, I’m sick of pulling splinters out of my knee from your wooden bum.”

Putin Wrestles Whale Into Submission With Headlock

The Russian superman's latest triumph

Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin’s strange macho compulsion to dominate wildlife has emerged again, this time in the form of a bizarre stunt in which he dived into the sea off Russia’s Pacific coast to engage in life-or-death hand-to-fluke combat with a whale.

The 57-year-old KGB veteran donned a brightly-coloured leotard - complete with a fearsome-looking squid mask - to enrage the whale, and had himself fired at it by a deck-mounted catapult as it leapt out of the water.

Mr Putin firmly slapped the whale on the jaw as he flashed past its ten-foot long face, before splashing down yards away. As the whale crashed back into the water, he took a huge gulp of air and dived in search of his krill-munching quarry.

Observers reported a mighty churning of the waters as the two evenly-matched protagonists wrestled for dominance of the seas. Several minutes passed before the whale burst out of the sea again, with the Russian leader’s brawny arm clamped firmly round its neck. Mr Putin gasped for breath, before disappearing in a wall of spray. However, after a few more minutes the beaten, headlocked whale floated gently to the surface, flapping the surface of the ocean three times with its fluke to signify submission.

An exhausted but triumphant Mr Putin clambered from the water, announcing: “I win great victory today for Russian peoples. Now I king of the whale, in addition to master of the polar bear and lord of the tiger. What mighty creatures bow to puny pencil-necked President Obama? Gopher? Skunk? He not even bring down docile bison.”

Putin’s Revolutionary Singing Condemned By Human Rights Group

Amnesty International has asked Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin not to sing any more stirring Soviet-era songs to the ten sleeper agents deported from the United States, claiming they have suffered enough without being subjected to cruel and unusual punishment.

Mr Putin told reporters he had met the spies - who are being debriefed by the SVR, Russia’s foreign intelligence service - and urged them to join him in rousing choruses of such catchy comintern classics as ‘Advance, O Little Red Tractor’, ‘Let’s Go-Go To The Gulag’ and ‘Counter-Revolutionaries Stole My Bread Ration (But Stalin Has Stolen My Heart)’.

“I’m not joking. I am serious,” he explained. “That is what makes me so intimidating. Just like when I shot a tiger, or rode around bare-chested on a horse. As chapter 5 of my beloved KGB Training Manual says: ‘Do random mad stuff. It really freaks the capitalists out.’”

“Isn’t it enough that these pathetic amateurs have been ejected from the modern world and sent back to a vast broken-down toilet run by thieves?” begged an Amnesty spokesman. “Anna Chapman will never see a decent hair stylist again. Surely that’s punishment enough?”

Poland Raises Collective Eyebrow

Prime Minister Vladimir Rasputin yesterday commemorated the Nazi invasion of Poland in 1939 by pointing out that, although the Soviet Union may also have inadvertently invaded Poland in accordance with the agreement it secretly made with its good chum Hitler, it was forced to do so by Britain and France.

"Had Britain and France not been so eager to sell Czechoslovakia down the river in 1938 by signing the Munich Agreement, World War Two would quite simply never have happened," smiled Mr Rasputin, in a brief respite from crossing out large chunks from a history book and writing his own copious notes in the margin. "Comrade Stalin was loudly telling the whole world that Hitler was absolutely crapping himself and would certainly have resigned immediately, if they'd only had the guts to stand up to his feeble armed forces - which we knew all about, having trained them on our territory for fifteen years or so."

Mr Rasputin went on to explain to the somewhat surprised citizens of Gdansk how Stalin was only restrained from taking on the Nazi war machine himself by the unfortunately-timed, and entirely accidental, execution of most of his own officers.

"As it is, our armed forces only burst into Eastern Poland in order to save as many Poles as possible from the murderous onslaught of our splendid Nazi allies, " he suggested. "As for the so-called Katyn massacre - which even horrified the Nazis when they discovered the mass grave containing the corpses of 20,000 Polish army officers - this was almost certainly an early outbreak of deadly swine flu, which was fortunately contained by the swift humanitarian actions of uniformed Soviet medical experts."

If only Britain and France had declared war on Nazi Germany in 1938, argued Mr Putin, all of Russia would have been mobilised to help them to defeat the evil fascists.

"Unfortunately, by the time Britain and France did declare war on Nazi Germany a year later, Comrade Stalin had signed the Ribbentrop Pact with Hitler, putting him in a bit of an embarrassing position," he sighed. "Even so, he really wanted to help - but unfortunately, the newly-promoted generals who were tasked with the invasion of Germany were holding their maps the wrong way up, and attacked Finland instead. It took the sudden, unannounced Nazi blitzkrieg which swept across our borders in 1941 for anyone to actually remember where Germany was."

Meanwhile, Poland's purple-faced president, Lech Kaczynski, is today said to be still attempting to pick his jaw up off the floor.

Putin Pledges Personal Vote For British Troll Dirge

Vladimir Putin, the Russian Prime Minister and former head of the KGB, has pledged his personal vote for Britain’s still-to-be-written entry to next year’s Eurovision Song Contest, after Andrew Lloyd-Webber travelled to Russia to find out why Britain’s entries have fared so badly.

“Ghastly, arse-faced English lord appear without warning at breakfast table in Kremlin,” said the fearless, tiger-shooting hard man of post-Soviet politics. “I scream, I throw bowl of Frosties but he not go away. He ask me, ‘Why nobody like me, I mean us, oh great bear of Russia?’ I realise he just big, soft girly-man. Ice of Putin’s heart melt away like winter snows. I give warm but manly hug. I tell him that I, Putin, send SMS vote for British troll-friends next time for sure. He go away ugly but happy. Putin eat Frosties.”

“Some may say that one man’s vote will not make a great deal of difference to the international voting,” grunted Lord Lloyd-Webber from his luxury sewer. “But Mr Putin explained to me that his vote is like his gas. If he passes gas in our direction, all of Russia sends its gas to Britain too. In fact, he treated me to a demonstration of the potency of his gas, which was quite a memorable experience. I shall probably write it into my next musical. I think it was in the key of A#.”

“I’m happy to say that, from now on, politics will no longer play any part in the Eurovision voting,” he added.