Labour Outsider Burnham Calls For ‘Pretend Socialism’

Mr Burnham's campaign team are full of fresh ideas

Labour leadership no-hoper Andy Burnham has promised that the Labour Party will implement a return to what he calls ‘Pretend Socialism’ from its commanding position on the opposition benches, in the supremely unlikely event that the other contenders are all run over by a bus.

“If by some capricious act of God I find myself leading the Labour Party, I will somehow bring about free transport for teenagers in education, some sort of graduate tax, the details of which I haven’t really thought through yet, apprenticeships paying the minimum wage and jam tomorrow,” he promised a stray dog that paused to cock its leg against his ankle.

“Don’t worry, though,” he added hastily, as the dog resumed its wandering. “None of that will mean lowly menials calling you ‘comrade’, or any such nonsense. It’s not real socialism, God forbid. It’s only make-believe stuff that looks good in the Guardian.”

Mr Burnham hastily explained that he was only talking about aspirational socialism, meaning that he cherished, deep within his heart, a wildly-optimistic hope to be somebody important in the Labour Party one day.