Recession-hit retailers today announced huge January reductions in the high streets of Britain.
"1,000 jobs off! Everyone must go!" said Marks and Spencer. "Stores, head office, warehouses, we're making reductions across the board - er, except for the Board. Hurry! We can't last forever!"
"Hundreds of prime-location leases for sale at rock-bottom prices!" said a spokesman for Woolworths, just before receiving the last of 27,000 P45 forms.
Market analysts said that Wedgewood china and Waterford crystal were likely to be offered for sale at a previously-unthinkable bargain price.
"Go on, make us an offer," said the official receivers. "We've got more shops on our hands than we know what to do with."
"A massive 15.9% off house prices!" screamed a spokesman for the Nationwide Building Society. "Huge reductions everywhere!"
"Except on mortgage rates," he added. "We're keeping them unchanged, of course."
Shoppers were reported to be out in droves, taking one last look at their high streets with the lights on before they were all boarded up for good.
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