|Oh dear, now dry your eyes with this Blu-Ray recorder|
Sobbing senior managers, moved by the sheer power of their own advertising, have ordered staff to remove all price tags from the chain’s stores, in the hope that the country can hold off with the water works for long enough to drive down and pick up whatever their little hearts desire.
Meanwhile, the nation’s children – who, strangely, are the only Britons other than Charlie Brooker not moved to tears by the adland masterpiece, which has already been nominated for a BAFTA for Best Television Drama – have made plans to descend en masse upon John Lewis stores on Saturday morning to demand every single game ever released for their Playstations, Xboxes and Wiis.
“Oh, bless their little cotton socks,” wailed one shop worker on hearing the news. “As a partner, I can’t think of a better way to celebrate the spirit of Christmas than going bust and all losing our jobs. That’s just what dear little baby Jesus would have wanted.”