Thursday, 24 November 2011

Sobbing John Lewis Staff Give Away Stock

Moved to a state of 24-hour tearfulness by their store’s emotionally-charged TV ad, John Lewis staff all over the country have taken to heart its resonant Christmas message about the importance of giving, and are refusing to charge customers a single penny for their purchases.

Oh dear, now dry your eyes with this Blu-Ray recorder
“I only stopped by on the way to work for a fresh box of tissues,” gushed red-eyed legal secretary Samantha Doe, as she dragged a 42-inch TV onto a bus full of howling parents. “But the girl at the till took one look at my streaky make-up, burst into floods and begged me to go back and take away the biggest item I could carry. Bless.”

Sobbing senior managers, moved by the sheer power of their own advertising, have ordered staff to remove all price tags from the chain’s stores, in the hope that the country can hold off with the water works for long enough to drive down and pick up whatever their little hearts desire.

Meanwhile, the nation’s children – who, strangely, are the only Britons other than Charlie Brooker not moved to tears by the adland masterpiece, which has already been nominated for a BAFTA for Best Television Drama – have made plans to descend en masse upon John Lewis stores on Saturday morning to demand every single game ever released for their Playstations, Xboxes and Wiis.

“Oh, bless their little cotton socks,” wailed one shop worker on hearing the news. “As a partner, I can’t think of a better way to celebrate the spirit of Christmas than going bust and all losing our jobs. That’s just what dear little baby Jesus would have wanted.”

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