99% of all the money left in Britain is now in Tesco's bank account, according to the retailer's first-half profits released today.
"We're seeing signs of a gradual recovery in the world economy," said Tesco's prime minister Terry Leahy, over a light lunch of tasty £20 notes. "Of course, selling the food that people need in order to live means that we're hardly bothered by a trivial thing like the worst global recession in sixty years. But the other day somebody bought a cheap, nasty sandwich toaster in our Hounslow branch, and that's hardly an essential - so it looks like things are picking up again, and our evil corporate shareholders will be glad to know that we're clearing out the floor-space devoted to basic Tesco Value stodge and bringing back all that unnecessary crap with plugs on."
Analysts say that it is now only a matter of time before Tesco makes a hostile takeover bid for Britain, replacing the pound with its own worthless company scrip redeemable only in Tesco stores.
"Soon you will all belong to Tesco," said a man with a calculator at BofA-Merrill Lynch. "The nation's economic focus will then revolve around Tesco staff selling Tesco products to their off-duty Tesco colleagues."
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