Sainsbury’s Recession-Beating Formula: Get Everyone So Pissed They Don’t Notice Prices Going Up

Other prices don't matter, slur shoppers

Supermarket chain Sainsbury’s today unveiled a recession-busting 36% rise in profits, reporting that it had successfully extracted a startling £466m from its increasingly impoverished customers in the 28 weeks up to the beginning of October by the refreshingly simple combination of shovelling out cheap alcohol as fast as its permanently-inebriated customers could fill their trolleys whilst remorselessly hiking the price of everything they actually needed to live on.

“When times are hard, people are struggling to keep their heads above water,” smiled chief executive Justin King, as he ordered a new cabin cruiser. “Our message to them is simple: why bother? Just piss your life up against the wall and let tomorrow take care of itself. Just remember to balance a loaf of pressed sawdust and a tub of grease on top of your groaning booze trolley as you stagger to the checkout.

“People are rightly terrified of losing their jobs and their homes, but what’s the point of worrying when thirty cans of Strongbow are just £15? With the onset of winter sending the mercury falling, even the homeless and destitute can keep their cider refreshingly chilled.”

“And you’d be amazed at the crap people buy when they’re shit-faced,” he chuckled. “Let’s face it, there’s no other justification for our appalling range of third world clothing.”

Mr King added that plans were under way to add fruit-machine playability to his stores’ burgeoning self-service checkouts.