Britain’s economic future has been described as a “horror movie” in a report from analysts at Ernst & Young’s ITEM Club.
The group’s chief economist, Peter Spencer, said the indications were that the government would miss its inflation targets for the next 12 months, unemployment would increase substantially, and consumer spending would come to a standstill thanks to a sharp downturn in the housing market and lower credit availability.
“This will only end when some plucky and resourceful survivor manages to escape the clutches of the football-crazed, Sun-reading zombie army rampaging in the streets, and emerges from the sewers to face down the evil vampire overlord in his Downing Street chamber of horrors,” said Mr Spencer.
Meanwhile, the British Retail Consortium reported that, although retail sales across the country fell by 0.4% last month compared to a year ago, in Central London the figure actually rose by nearly 9%.
“We’re at a loss to explain this unique blip in the sales figures,” said the organisation’s Director-General, Stephen Robertson. “I emailed all my friends in the City on my £1500 Nokia 8800 Gold Edition phone, and we all went to the Ivy for a two-grand-a-head brainstorming session. After a very agreeable luncheon we hopped into our Maseratis, Bugattis and Maybachs and continued our deliberations over £50-a-throw cocktails at Annabel’s. When I looked at my £20,000 Breitling, it was 4am and we still hadn’t discovered why Central London is the only place in Britain where retail sales are booming. So, to cut a long story short, Binky Carruthers whistled up his bank’s corporate jet, and we’ve all agreed that we won’t be leaving our exclusive Necker Island hideaway until we’ve cracked it. Oddly enough, it appears that, since we left, the figures for Central London seem to be coming down. Don’t know what that’s all about, but we’ll try to factor it in.”
Meanwhile, Tesco announced that it would be doing its bit to help bankrupt Britons by generously reducing a few of the food prices it’s been steadily hiking up for months.