Supermarket chiefs were today rubbing their hands together with undisguised glee at the news that coffee prices are set to soar. The price rises have been confined mainly to Colombian Arabica beans, but the increased prices are likely to spread as consumers switch to cheaper brands.
Companies who sell coffee in brightly-coloured packaging said it had been raining a bit in South America, and also blamed price hikes of up to 19% on coffee drinkers wanting to drink coffee.
When asked if there was actually a shortage of coffee beans, Mr Ken Co of Maxploit House coughed and warned that prices could explode, adding: "We are in a dangerous situation."
When asked if he was now trying to pretend it was something to do with terrorism, Mr Co showed reporters a slide of a smiling South American peasant farmer and shouted: "Give us your money, or this nice man will be very sad."
"This should knock all that Fairtrade bollocks squarely on the head," smiled a spokesman for Tescburoson's. "Addicts, form an orderly queue for your ration jar of our tastelike own-brand grit. We deeply regret we've had to jack the price up a bit, due to unforeseen moonspot activity."
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