Missile Launching Added To 2012 Olympics

In deference to widespread American fears that the United Kingdom is populated entirely by the Taleban, London 2012 organisers have agreed that the two discretionary sports they can add to the Olympic roster will consist of surface-to-air and air-to-surface missile launching.

Run, Usain Bolt, run

“Each US entrant will have to compete encumbered with an FGM-148 Javelin man-portable wire-guided missile launcher,” Lord Coe told reporters. “While the weight of the missile, launch tube and guidance controls may prove something of a handicap, we are looking at ways to reward successful kills with time, distance or points bonuses.”

“Meanwhile, the US Air Force will be deploying its battle-tested A-10 tankbusters in the skies above London, ready to take on any challenges from other nations,” he added. “We shall, of course, be providing America’s gung-ho flyboys with the latest intel on the configuration and schedules of London’s buses and overground Tube services - so with a bit of luck there shouldn’t be that many regrettable blue-on-blue incidents.”

As an extra sop to frightened US competitors, each will be accompanied at all times by dedicated FBI agents, specially trained to hurl themselves bodily into the path of any incoming suicide bombers, gun-wielding fanatics or competitors.