Defence Review Criticism Unjustified In Light of Revived Hitler Clone Threat, Insists Defence Secretary

Just one of these aboard a nuclear submarine could have been catastrophic

Dr Liam Fox, the defence secretary, has angrily refuted a Royal United Services Institute survey of 2000 defence experts, in which the majority said the recent Strategic Defence Review represented a lost opportunity for a more challenging rethink.

“These so-called ‘experts’ can say what they like,” riposted Dr Fox from his new command centre, the long-disused Aldwych tube station, “But the only thing stopping an army of cloned Hitler cyborgs from goose-stepping down Tottenham Court Road right now is the very real threat of an independent British Armageddon.”

“Only this week, HMS Astute detected a determined Hitler clone with an aqualung trying to prise open one of its torpedo tubes with a giant Swiss Army penknife,” he warned. “Fortunately, the captain acted quickly to avert the danger by squashing this dangerous genetically-enhanced madman against the nearest sandbank. I’m sure you don’t need me to outline the dire consequences, should even a single Hitler have got loose aboard our most advanced nuclear strike submarine, but I will anyway.”

The defence secretary then spent several hours acting out one of his many doomsday fantasies, oblivious to the fact that the press centre had swiftly emptied.

Meanwhile, Admiralty chiefs were gamely attempting to explain how Britain’s defence capabilities will be enhanced by an empty aircraft carrier.

“Er… imagine a scenario in which the army is trying to mount a counter-attack against an invading army of genetically modified Hitlers, who are encamped on the other side of a ravine,” began the First Sea Lord, Admiral Sir Mark Stanhope, with sweat running down his forehead. “But the only bridge is miles upwind, which would undoubtedly give the Hitlers their scent. However, if our new toy – er, carrier – were to stealthily back up and turn - hey presto! Instant crossing.”

“That’s the last thing they’d expect,” he added, before theatrically examining his watch and suddenly announcing that he was late for an urgent meeting.

Meanwhile, the RAF confidently announced that they would be alert and ready to deal with any conceivable threat to UK airspace - whether or not a Hitler clone was involved - as long as it took the form of a fifty-year old propellor-driven Tupolev.