Defence Secretary Declares War On Sun

Whilst delivering a keynote speech in an international conference on the vulnerability of electricity grids to hostile attack and natural disasters, Britain’s swivel-eyed secretary of state for defence, Dr Liam Fox, today seized the opportunity to call for a pan-global alliance to launch an all-out pre-emptive nuclear strike on the sun.

Dr Fox has been out in the sun for some considerable time now

“Make no mistake,” he warned delegates, adjusting his tinfoil hat to deflect deadly UV radiation from his mortal enemy, “According to NASA, in the year 2013 - or possibly earlier – a massive peak in the sun’s magnetic energy cycle and sunspot activity might very well create a solar storm of unprecedented ferocity. The inevitable worldwide geomagnetic storm this would unleash upon a defenceless Earth would undoubtedly knock out electricity grids for hours, days, weeks, months or most likely forever - bringing civilisation as we know it to a crashing halt and hurling the handful of terrified survivors back to the stone age, only to be mercilessly hunted down and eaten by irradiated mutant dinosaurs as tall as skyscrapers.”

“The only way that the people of Earth can save themselves from catastrophe is to lay aside their petty squabbles and unite to launch the world’s entire stock of thermonuclear warheads at our terrible enemy, the sun,” he shrieked, producing a battered Walkman cassette player from his pocket and jabbing at the play button until the batteries fell out. “As I know this idea will sound altogether too fantastic to the narrow minds of disbelievers, I have just set the process in motion by launching Britain’s entire stock of Trident missiles into space. Now you have no choice but to follow suit, or the sun’s vengeful wrath will surely kill us all by teatime!”

“The self-destruct codes have been disabled by my trusty cyber-pet, Aibo,” he bellowed, as his white-coated attendants manhandled him back to the padded ambulance he arrived in, adding, “One day – mark my words – I, Dr Magnafox, will be revered as the visionary saviour of the human race. Incidentally, I have blueprints hidden in a secret compartment in my underpants for a gigantic golden statue of myself which will be visible from space, if a grateful human race wishes to honour me after the hour of destiny has safely passed.”