Swine flu parties are being held from Penzance to John O'Groats today, after it emerged that Cherie Booth QC had pulled out of an honorary degree award ceremony at Liverpool Hope University after allegedly being diagnosed with the H1N1 virus.
Although it is reported that her husband, ex-PM Tony Blair, is so far exhibiting no signs of infection, millions of ordinary people clearly feel it is only a matter of time, and have spent the day setting up trestle tables in their streets and drinking to his imminent ill-health.
Mr Blair's impending battle with a potential killer disease comes hot on the heels of an announcement by Baroness Kinnock that the architect of 21st-century Britain, bringer of peace to the Middle East, economic guru to the world's top banks and intermediary between God and the Pope is to be the UK's preferred candidate for the presidency of the European Union.
"Tony Blair's candidacy should take some of the heat off the prime minister," announced the Minister for Europe. "People are blaming Gordon for the loss of their jobs, the rising price of everything, the unnecessary deaths of our troops in Afghanistan and national bankruptcy for the rest of their children's lives. But when Tony appears on their screens, grinning like a wanking chimp as usual, hopefully they will remember who set the ball rolling in the first place, only to shamelessly jump ship and line his own pockets the moment he realised the jig was up."
Mr Blair's spokesman, however, pointed out that the job of EU president does not actually exist, will not exist unless all countries adopt the Lisbon Treaty and if it ever does exist will almost certainly not pay him enough to get out of bed.
"Ah-choo," he added.
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