Ed Miliband, the boy who won the Labour Party in a raffle, today vowed to steer his party into a new ‘soft centre’ of British politics, after millionaire playboy and erstwhile jobbing prime minister Tony Blair took time out from counting his income from two global bank directorships to urge the party not to lurch to the left.
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| It looks like a nipple - it must be Miliband |
To the guitar accompaniment of Andrew Marr playing ‘The Boy With The Thorn In His Side’, Mr Miliband told viewers: “I've had conversations in private which have been good conversations with Tony Blair, with him patting me on the head and giving me a shiny new 50p coin, but let me just say this - it all depends on where you think the centre ground is. Some barmy old folks like Mr Marshall-Andrews and Mr Skinner keep insisting that the left is on one side of the centre and the right is on the other, but that’s a very simplistic way of looking at things.”
“No, the truth is that hundreds of Conservatives are on one side of the government and a few dozen Liberal Democrats are on the other,” he sang. “So the hard centre of politics is obviously somewhere almost exactly in the middle of the Conservatives. But I don’t want anyone to think that supporting Labour is hard, because it’s not. Well, I’m not. Ask anyone in the shadow cabinet, and they’ll tell you I’m incredibly soft. In fact they’re often urging me to take my leadership style even further, by telling me I must be soft in the head. And I’m open enough to take that on board, thank them for their advice and work on it.”
Speculation is rife as to which soft centre best describes the Labour Party under Mr Miliband, with opinions divided sharply between the coffee crème which nobody wants and the vanilla fudge.
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