Bomb Explodes Harmlessly, Causing Only Minor Damage To Balls

A bombshell that was meant to assassinate Tony Hitblair six years ago exploded harmlessly in the Daily Telegraph this morning, causing only superficial harm to one-eyed chief conspirator Gordon von Stauffenbrown’s Balls.

According to the Telegraph’s forensic experts, the bomb plot appears to have been hatched in the dark days of 2005 when an increasingly deranged Hitblair cynically reneged on his promise to step down, which he famously scribbled on a restaurant menu long cherished by Stauffenbrown. As Hitblair, buoyed by the continuing support of the British hordes in their mighty Volvo tanks, continued to ignore the promise - no matter how hopefully Stauffenbrown brandished it before the world’s press - a desperate plot was hatched to blow Hitblair out of office.

Labour has only got one Balls

Unfortunately for the plotters, the bomb turned out to be a complete dud and Hitblair survived unharmed until he chose to end his own reign just before the chaotic last days of the Labour government, defiantly bringing ruin to the nation by appointing the hapless Stauffenbrown as his successor.

The bomb was soon forgotten – until yesterday, when it unexpectedly went off with a disappointing pop in an old newspaper. An embarrassed Stauffenbrown emerged from the smoke with his trousers in tatters and his blackened Balls dangling in full view of everyone.

“My reputation is undamaged,” he assured reporters, “Because I haven’t got one.”