Blair: ‘I Don’t Want This Money - It’s All Covered In Blood’

Shaking hand with Tony Blair: not for the faint-hearted

Former prime minister Tony Blair is donating an unwanted £4.6m to help maimed victims of his two Middle East wars, after it arrived from his publishers covered in the blood of the soldiers killed and maimed as a result of his vain, single-minded desire to strut around on the world stage pretending to be a latter-day Churchill.


The multi-million advance on his memoirs - due to arrive in bookshops on September 1st, then in pound shops on October 1st – dropped on his doormat this morning in a squelching brown envelope and oozed blood all over Mrs Blair’s new carpet, leading to a heated argument over breakfast which culminated in Mr Blair being told in no uncertain terms to get rid of it by lunchtime.

Mr Blair’s grisly gift was politely refused by several charity shops until, in desperation, he drove round to the local Royal British Legion and left it on the doorstep.

A Legion spokesman thanked the ex-PM for his donation, and promised to put the money towards a sports centre for the many soldiers who so kindly donated their limbs to furthering his popularity among Americans with large cheque books.

“This isn’t about easing my conscience,” Mr Blair told reporters later, “Because I don’t have one. I’m only telling the world about my incredible, selfless act of unparalleled generosity in the hope that someone out there can recommend a really good soap. I just can’t seem to get these damn bloodstains off my hands.”